The Only Exception | W2S

TWENTY THREE.

She takes a moment to take it in fully, spinning around, taking in the entire room. 

"Feels weird seeing it in person. I'm used to seeing it in your videos or on FaceTime," she confesses, carefully inspecting the music wall. 

"Still a massive Paramore fan, I take it?" She asks, because of course it's the biggest poster on the wall. 

"Duh, I don't forget our karaoke every weekend growing up," I smile, sitting on the edge of the bed, patting beside me for her to join, which she does. 

"I really miss you," she says quietly, after a few moments of silence. It's strangely more vulnerable than I'd expected her to be today, because the last time we'd seen each other, we'd had a deep conversation.

"I know," I respond, reaching my hand out for her to take, which she does. "I miss you, too. All of you, every day," I tell her truthfully. 

"I understand," she says. "I understand why you didn't come back, and I understand why you still don't want to," she tells me, giving my hand a squeeze. 

"It was never because of you guys, you know that - right?" I ask, despite already having had this conversation with her. "It's important to me that you know that."

She nods her head, confirming that she does know that. "I do. But I meant what I said the last time I saw you. No more secrets, if you can help it, that is," she tells me, laughing at the last part. "I'm your sister, and I'm always going to be. If you're ever struggling like that again, I want to know. I want to help."

I was at a crossroads, and I didn't know which direction to turn. Left would take me into a place embedded with more lies and secrecy, but with a chance to bury everything before it had a chance to eat me alive. 

Turning right would take me into a place where I could release the heavy weight pressing on my chest - my heart - but with that also came with a risk of burning everything I'd been protecting for the last year. 

Left, my head said. 

Right, my heart said. 

"Holly?" She repeated, and I could feel my head banging. My heart racing. 

"I slept with someone I shouldn't have," I blurted out.

Right. 

"Shouldn't have?" She asked, and of course that was the thing she picked up on. 

"He's - he's a friend. A YouTuber. Someone I -" I started, but stopped. I didn't know what to say. Someone I fancied? Someone I thought was attractive? Someone who had been on my mind for the last few months, despite me not even realising? Someone who - to this very minute, was still plaguing my mind?

"Oh. I see," she says slowly, clearly sensing this was a sensitive conversation. "So - was it - was it good?" She asks tentatively, focusing on the lighter aspects, instead of grilling me for who it was. I appreciated that. 

"Jess - you have no idea how good. Unfairly good," I tell her, thinking back to that night. I would give anything to go back to relive that one night, despite knowing all of the baggage it had brought along with it. 

"But you shouldn't have done it? Is there a set rule that forbids you, or?" She asks, and she's being genuine with her questioning, it's almost sweet.

Technically, no. There was no real rule. Just the rule I'd sworn I'd never break. No one remotely famous. Ever. 

"This was stupid. I shouldn't have said anything. Forget it, ignore me," I say quickly. 

Left. Left. Left.

"No, Holly. I legitimately saw your entire body relax the moment you told me about it. You haven't told anyone else about it, have you?" She asks, unfortunately hitting pot gold with her assumption. "Not even George?"

"Especially not George!" I say quickly, once again letting my impulse get the better of me.

"I take it George knows this mystery man, then?" She asks. 

"You're too clever for your own good, Jess," I mumble, shaking my head. 

"Can't hate it 'cause you're not it," she says in a singsong voice, reminding me of our insults as children. 

"Did you just call me stupid?"

She shrugs. "Sounds like you're being a little bit silly, I mean - right, you slept with someone you think you shouldn't have, you're quite obviously stressed about it, yet you've been keeping it a secret and hiding it from everyone you love. Does that sound familiar at all?"She presses, and I know it's coming from a place of love, but it's sending me into a spiral that I recognise all too well. 

"Yes! Yes it does sound familiar, which is exactly why I didn't want to talk about it with anyone! I don't ever want to have to deal with what I went through after Matthew last year, and if it means sabotaging a potential relationship with a really great guy that I actually have feelings for - then fine! I'll fucking sabotage it!" I barked, finally reaching a snapping point. 

Jess looks taken aback by my outburst, but it's not for long. She regains her composure, and looks at me seriously. "I know you've heard this in therapy, but I'm going to say it again. Not every person is going to treat you the way Matthew did. What he did, and how he did it, was enough to skew any sane person's perception of life, humanity, and love. But deep down, you are still Holly Peterson, still my little sister, and still full of love."

Tears prick at my eyes. "I don't even know if I know who I am, anymore."

"You're a year out of a four year long relationship. You're twenty seven. You have your entire life ahead of you. Whatever decision you make with this - mystery man, whoever he is, keep that in mind."

Her words carry more weight than I think she'd intended, but they float around in my mind, before she starts to speak again. 

"You want my real advice?" 

I nod my head dutifully. "Of course."

"Tell George. I think you'll find comfort in having someone here on your side. Someone who will be here with you. I'm always with you in spirit, but it would give me solace knowing you have someone here."

"Alright," I whisper, wiping away the stray tears that had managed to fall down my face. "Alright, I'll tell George. I promise."