Make Up Your Mind (frerard/ferard)

Chapter 4

Sunday flew by and before I knew it we were back at school. I hadn't spoken a word to gerard since Saturday night in 'our' room. and thinking about it i hadn't talked to my mum lately either, i had snooped around on gerards phone again, guilty, im like a jealous boyfriend and were not even dating! he'd been telling her that im staying round here for abit longer so she doesnt need to worry, and gerards mum worked night shifts so we missed her during the say as we were at school.

I let mikey call shot-gun to sit in the front seat as I didn't feel like sitting next to Mr im-texting-a-slag-but-im-genna-give-you-a-bj-anyway....

I need to think of a better name for him, I really do.

but is gerard straight or what? I mean, he's been acting VERY strange, not like your best friends brother would normally act around you. the car journey gave me time to reflect on that conversation that was held in the sitting room.

"trust me" gerards voice was ringing through my head....how can he expect me to trust him after THAT.

it was the lesson before lunch, I was sat next to mikey and we were talking quietly in the 5th row back.

"this lessons dragging on!" I wispered to mikey hoping to start a small conversation.

"tell me about it!" his face went serious and sad and he continued leaning in closer

"do you love my brother?" he asked but in a way that a father would ask his daughters boyfriend before he married her as in 'you do love her right?!'

I stared back at him while he was sporting his infamous pokerface.

"well, he's a good mate I suppose but i" and I trailed off lost in thought of his words.

"hmm....well-" and he was cut off by the bell.

we got up and went to lunch.....well mikey and his friend ray did, I went straight for the library not caring if I got called a nerd.....little did I know I was going to get the word 'bookworm' tattooed on my fingers afew years later.

I picked up a comic and sat in the corner of the room from which where I could see through a small window....oh, and to my delight I saw gerard........with lindsey.

my heart stopped and I breathed seconds after I found out I was holding it. he didn't seem like gerard though. the moment he turned from lindsey the smile he had plastered to his face had instantly disappeared.

I was in utter shock and confusion.

at the end of the school day I walked out of the double doors at the front of the school to see lindsey kissing gerard on the cheek as what I assumed was a goodbye. once she was out of sight I walked over to gerards car and tried to get in to sit in the back seat when I found the door was locked.

"gerard, open the fucking door" I growled

"why" he questioned

"cause I wanna get in the motherfucking car to get a lift home" I answered back raising my voice a little

"you're so cute when your angry" he said his words playing around making my blood boil at the sound of his voice

"and you're so cute when your happy with lindsey" I hissed back at him

"trust me" he wispered in my ear as he let me get in the car and do up my seatbelt.

soon after mikey got in the car we all drove home.

when we arrived back we all trudged though the door and I ran upstairs and instantly started crying at how horrible, confusing and dickhead-ish gerard has been lately. I can't trust him, I can't fucking trust him.

about a week went by like this, me seeing him and lindsey being 'happy' and 'loved up' while I cried and wished I had everything I needed.......just someone to care.

I hadn't had a proper conversation with gerard since the fight at the car....I felt so toyed and played with and worthless.

that night mikey was in gerards room again and they were shouting. they were so loud I could here them from the kitchen where I was with Alicia nervously drinking coffee beside me until I said I needed to go to the bathroom...when I was genrally just being nosy....

"ive told you I'm happy with lindsey!" I heard gerard shout. those words broke my heart even though I thought it couldn't break anymore.

"yeah, you seem so happy at school!" mikey said in an angry sarcastic voice. which was true, gerard has been so sad lately and when he's with lindsey he looks even worse......

"you're my brother! its not even my fault, im not even sure if its the truth!" gerard screamed back at him.

"no you're not fucking happy. if you're happy then why are your draws stashed with drawings of frank in them! and why do you look over at him all the fucking time?!" mikey hissed.

I must say, I did light up abit after mikeys comeback.

and it came to me. everything gerard had done was to protect himself. the fights between him and mikey were about me! well that part was....yeah sure, I felt abit awkward at first but me and gerard.

Gerard was only dating lindsey to hide something...

oh lord, that took a lot of weight of my chest! I walked back down stairs and finished my coffee next to Alicia.