Text to Speech

It's Hard to Talk

March 30, 1993

Dear idk,

It's real hard to talk sometimes. It's not that I can't, it's just that I try not to. It seems every time I open my mouth, something terrible comes out and everyone around me is here to remind me of it. Wish they'd leave me the fuck alone.

If they want to hear an apology I'll fucking give them it. IM FUCKING SORRY. IM FUCKING SORRY IM A SCREW UP.
I'd try to not scream it. But they wouldn't hear me if I said it any normal way.

A lot of people stopped listening because of that.

"Fuck them," i would've said, but now, I honestly dont know. Maybe if you listen I wouldn't have to scream. Maybe If you realize I'm not the same middle school douchebag, I'll think longer before saying whatever comes out of my mouth.

Since nobody cares, I'll be silent for now.

I don't even know why I'm doing this. Writing shit down like it's gonna help. Like this is gonna fix anything. God, I'm such a fucking joke. Some mentally unstable loser who's lost his mind. Maybe I've been losing it for a while now. Maybe I'm just pissed off at everything.

Where the hell do I put all this anger? What do I do if it's a part of me?

I'm a loser.
I'm a loser.
I'm a loser! :)

I have always, essentially, been waiting.
Waiting to become something else.
Waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming.
Waiting for that life I thought I would have.
In my head, I was always one step away.

But now, I honestly feel like I'm so much farther than that. I really was trying to manipulate myself.

Next rant: People Are Always Staring!??!! I can't even tell what people think when they look at me now. Two years ago? I would've thought they were in love with me. That they saw me as some strong, unstoppable guy who had everything figured out.

But now...? I have no fucking clue. Some of them have that look like they've got me all figured out, like I'm some open book they can flip through whenever they want.

They prolly think I'm just this mean, angry-ass bully who's too much of a problem to be worth anyone's time. That I'm impossible to be around.

They are most definitely right about that. I mean, I fucking bullied my best friend out of school. My best friend?? Who the hell does that? Who the hell screws up that badly? It's like no matter what I do, I can't fix it. I can't take it back. I ruined everything, and now I'm stuck.

People think I don't care. That I don't feel anything. That I don't pay attention to the things people say about me. They think I don't hear the whispers or the stares or the way they still talk about shit that happened years ago. As if middle school me was some kind of legend they'll never let die.

But I hear it all. I see everything. I just act like I don't, because it's easier. It's easier to pretend like it doesn't get to me like it used to. Like I don't give a shit.

But that's a lie.

It's like I'm stuck in this never-ending loop. They'll never let me be anything other than the asshole who screwed up.

I don't even know what the hell I'm supposed to do to change it. Like, what could I even do to redeem myself at this point? What would it take for people to stop looking at me like I'm some villain?

Sometimes I think maybe if I could just be better. This year, maybe I could be better. I tell myself that every damn year. But it never works out, does it? NO.

I'm fucking tired. Of pretending. Of trying. Of pushing people away before they even get the chance to leave on their own. Because they always do. They always leave. No one ever sticks around. And I get it. I'm a fucking mess. Who would want to stay? It's easier to be alone. Easier than dragging people into this disaster of a life I've made for myself. I deserve it.