Defeated (GXG)

Defeated

"Am I a failure?"

This haunting question keeps on echoing within the depths of my being, which pierces my entire soul.

It is the phrase, "Failing is part of life." that I wish to unhear. For others, it is a well-intentioned consolation that they offer to someone when life's setbacks cause chaos that poisons their minds.

But right now, after hearing all those comforts and consolation, I feel nothing. They are all empty words—shallow and meaningless...

I have tried to gaslight myself, to convince my over-exhausted and weary soul that brighter days await on the horizon and soon enough tables will turn. But it's a self-deception I can no longer feed to myself. Eventually, it became bitter to swallow, and I cannot stand it anymore. I am tired of making myself believe that there will be better days ahead of me!

There's no need for arguments, really. The mere fact that my existence seems to be an ever-existing proof that I am indeed a total failure.

It is as if my very presence in this world is a label of ineptitude, for which I could call the biggest evidence of my countless missteps and unmet expectations, therefore I am unquestionably a failure.

The truth stings at the same time burns like hell. And all I can do is to stand so helpless in the midst of this war, letting myself simply suffer, with the inability to even defend myself.

I must say, oh so bitterly, that I have never been truly exceptional at anything. Being a Jack of All Trades, master of none hangs very heavy over my head. This endless fear that I'm simply not good enough, not skilled enough, and not passionate enough eats me alive. It's an unending guilt of being inefficient that drains my entire being.

At this moment, self-pity is the only thing that I could call as my companion. The truth that I lack the innate talent, the dedication, or the clear sense of purpose required to keep up with the world and keep going is too overwhelming for me to take and the very essence of my being just keeps shattering day by day.

It feels like I'm cursed to remain forever in the darkness of my shadows. It's too difficult being condemned to watch others take pleasure in the glory of their accomplishments while I languish in mediocrity, more so level below than that.

I can't escape the never-ending replay of my own inadequacies. Each memory of failing and every opportunity missed plays in my mind in an excruciatingly vivid detail. I'm trapped in an unending loop of disappointment. This relentless playback that never gives me a little break of my own shortcomings is killing me as the day passes. And the more I dwell on these failures, the more convinced I become that I'm not just letting myself down as I'm letting down everyone who ever believed in me.

The belief that I am, unequivocally, a failure envelops me—suffocating the entirety of my little hope.

Each passing day, I engrave deeper into the stone of my self-doubt, carving the word failure with every harsh stroke, almost as if I am trying to cut myself. It's an endless and agonizing pain—a thousand stabbing knives that pierce not just my heart but the very core of my spirit that keeps me moving.

The weight of this self-imposed judgment is unbearable. I am continuously drowning in my sea of incapabilities, struggling to stay on the surface while the strong waves of self-doubt crash over me. It's a heavy burden to bear, this sense of failure that washes off the bright colors I painted in every facet of my life that took all my life to paint.

All these colors are all now fading and I couldn't bring myself to even repaint it myself...

Simple tasks become Herculean challenges. Each endeavor, no matter how easy, carries the weight of my shortcomings. The fear of failure, of falling short yet again, paralyzes me.

The company of others becomes a minefield. I'm constantly comparing myself to those around me, measuring my worth against their achievements. Each success they attain always reminds me of my own lapses and defeats. Each milestone they reach is a huge slap to my own failures.

It's a suffocating feeling. This constant need to prove myself, to measure up to their ever-elusive standard of success and to meet all their impossible expectations of me.

There are no days that I'm not haunted by all my misfortune and losses in life. My mind replays memories of myself, where the what-ifs and could-have-beens of my life repeats over and over again.

Regret is a bitter pill to swallow, and I find myself choking on it day by day. It is a daily torment. It is a taste that never seems to leave my lips.

The nights are the hardest. It's during that very moment that these feelings become the most unbearable to the point that it keeps bringing me to my knees. In its stillness, where everybody else falls asleep, my mind races with self-recrimination. Sleep eludes me, and I lie awake, tormented by millions of negative thoughts. It seems like there's a harsh critic residing within me, dissecting every choice I've made, every path I've taken, and finding them all so stupid, shitty, dumb and full of flaws.

Sleep—once my haven, my escape and my sole comfort—becomes an unattainable dream, far from my reach. I can never seem to have a deep slumber where I can rest after all the exhausting fights and battles I was deployed in.

In these sleepless hours, my thoughts become lost in my past, it dwells on missed chances, the opportunities that slipped through my fingers, and those moments when fear and doubt held me back.

I ache for solace, for relief from this infinite self-examination or shall I say self-degradation. I long to silence all these inner tormentors, to discover a way to forgive myself, to accept that life is a journey filled with stumbles and wrong turns, and that failure is the forge of growth.

Perhaps, one day, I will finally find the strength to release these haunting regrets, to embrace the lessons they carry, and to bless myself with the grace of self-forgiveness.

Until then, I wrestle with the shadows of my past, succumbing in the feeling of being defeated in life.