The emotions I have concealed from everyone, the experiences my dearest ones don't know of... I'm sharing them here. It indeed is like a journal for me, I have made mistakes, I have done good things too, but at the end of the day I am just a human s...
Everyone has their destined person, that's all she believed in since she was a little kid. A pure-hearted, untainted, and selfless little girl, who truly believed in those fairy tales; waiting for her Prince Charming. Whenever a boy was kind to her, the hopeless romantic in her would ask "Is he the one, Is he my "happily ever after"?
She hoped for unconditional love but she became so conditioned with the highs and lows this world has to offer. She didn't even know when she became bitter to people who hurt her, she didn't recognize the person she had become, and she couldn't bear to see how self-centered she had become, it was all so scary for the little girl that still resides in her broken soul.
The girl still has hope for light, but the woman she has grown up to be has gotten comfortable with the darkness. The girl still wonders about when her soulmate will sweep her off her feet, while the woman only wishes that whoever her soulmate is lives well with happiness and bliss, without her.
The girl doesn't like the woman she has become, she is ashamed of her. The woman knows that if she gave in, she won't survive, so she pretends to be strong in order to survive this world. The girl knows how broken her soul is, how hurt her heart is, it seems to be beyond repair. The woman pretends to have no heart at all.
Sometimes the girl thinks she can get used to the loneliness and despair of never getting to be with her soulmate. The girl believes she can live without that dream of hers. Afterall, it was just a childish dream based on imagination and fantasy, the girl wants to grow up and be realistic.
Sometimes the woman thinks how great and blissful it was to be that hopeful little girl. How pure she was, how kind she used to be, how she was so purely herself, how she could have the right to dream of her soulmate. The woman hopes to be that little girl, wishes to be shiny like the little girl, wishes to be hopeful about an happily ever after, to expect an eternal and unconditional love, in this world.
The woman has seen how the little girl grew up into someone she can't recognize. The woman sees how the girl is trying her best to change with times, trying to grow better. The girl sees how the woman is striving hard to become herself again, to at least be a better version of a person again. Maybe, just maybe that person who is only hers, might just end up with her.
Maybe her Happily ever after is still out there, waiting for her.
With hope,
Ella
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