Am I the only one who's super fucking jealous of Ryan and his goddamn Instagram photos of him & whats-her-name? Jesus fuck. BUT the last photo he posted, GOD DAMN THAT MAN IS FUCKING GORGEOUS! HIS SMILE, HOLY FUCK!!!
I need to calm down.
---
"All I can tell you is to go over what you like and don't like about both of them," Spencer said with a shrug. "I don't even know Ryan. But you've done nothing but smile when you were talking about him. And I know how things are with Dal. It's only your decision, Brendon. I can't choose for you."
Spencer is right. Of course he can't choose for me. I have to do it on my own.
"I feel like complete shit for hurting Dallon. We've been together for how long? And I just fall for Ryan and cheat on Dallon. That's not like me, even you know that. I've never been the kind of person to cheat on someone, especially when I love them. There's just something about Ryan and I can't get him out of my mind no matter how fucking hard I try. I'll be writing lyrics or working and my mind always ends up on him. All the time." I sighed in frustration and tapped my fingers on the styrofoam cup in my hand. "I hate my life, Spencer. I hate it."
"Okay," Spencer sat up straighter and folded his arms on the table. "You've known Ryan how long? Little over a month or so?" I nodded. "And you've already got feelings for him. How long was it until you had feelings for Dallon?"
"That shouldn't matter," I said. "but it wasn't for a few months I think. I mean, I had feelings for him. But not as strong as the ones I have for Ryan."
"What is it that made you develop feelings for him in the first place?" Spencer asked.
"He was really sweet," I smiled, staring at my coffee cup. "he was so determined to get me to go out with him and he knew I had a boyfriend. Then we ended up going to his house because he said he could play guitar and whatnot and he seemed like a nice guy. He gave me a fucking car, Spence."
"So you fell for him because he gave you a car?" Spencer asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No!" I said immediately. "It wasn't the car at all. I didn't even want to take it, but he said I needed a car, that I couldn't just walk everywhere, with my looks and all. Or something like that. And he was surprised that Dallon never let me drive his car."
Spencer hummed and scratched the stubble on his face.
"And I told him I'd never been out of LA and he said he would take me somewhere. So we went to Germany and that's when I started falling for him." I sighed. "There were so many things I wanted to see and he didn't mind going with me. He even saved me from a guy at the pool who was getting too close to me and I was uncomfortable. Ryan called me his boyfriend and kind of went off on the guy."
"You're like a teenager all over again." Spencer laughed.
"I am not," I laughed. "anyway. I told him about that guy that... you know. When I worked at Michael's. And he actually listened. He let me tell him everything without making disgusted faces or making me shut up, like Dallon did. I can literally sit and talk to him for hours, him not saying a word, and he'll listen to everything I have to say. Even if it's just about a piece of fucking grass."
"Do you think maybe you're falling for the things he's doing and not actually him?"
I shook my head.
"No. I like him. I love talking to him. I just, I love being around him. And I can't help but feel like I already fucked it up. But I needed him to understand that I do love Dallon and I can't just stop at the snap of a finger."
