Dear Lindsey

Part 25

"Stevie?"

She didn't hear him but kept staring out of the floor-to-ceiling windows of her condo in Santa Monica, the December rain coming down in sheets, the sky one gray mess, as the memories of her conversation with Christine were once again running through her head. The tour was finally over and it had been nearly a month since they had talked and still she couldn't get her friend's words out of her head. You obviously can't go on like that, Stevie! This affair is tearing you apart!

"Stevie..Baby..", Lindsey mumbled softly into her ear as his arms enfolded her from behind and he pressed her body closer to his.

She closed her eyes for a moment, then leaned back into him. It felt so good to have him so close.

Lindsey ran his hands up and down her arms that were covered by one of her creamy-colored silk robes, and kissed tenderly her neck. He had just come fresh out of the shower, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, his gray curls still wet from water. Stevie loved him like that the most.

"Are you okay?", he asked.

"Sure.", she lied and turned in his arms to cover her sorrows with one of her bright smiles, "when do you have to leave? Is it time already?"

"No. I can stay a little longer..", he said and kissed her gently on the lips.

"Good.", she muttered.

"Is really everything okay with you?", Lindsey asked again and watched her closely, he looked worried.

"Sure.", she said again, "I'm perfectly fine. Are you hungry?", she smiled and wiggled herself out of his embrace to head into the kitchen.

Lindsey sighed and followed her into the other room where she instantly busied herself to prepare some food.

"Rice? Pasta? Yesterday's leftovers?"

"Stevie.."

She didn't listen.

"Would you please stop it?!", Lindsey asked suddenly and his voice sounded way harsher than he had intented it to be.

Stevie stopped in her tracks and looked at him with wide eyes. He had not talked to her like this in years.

"I'm sorry..", he mumbled and felt instantly sorry for his tone of voice, "It's just... Stevie, you need to talk to me, please.. I can't take it anymore!"

"I don't know what you're talking about.", she said and again covered her true feelings with a smile but it wasn't convincing anymore.

"Please, stop it! You know pretty well what I'm talking about. Something is wrong with you. Ever since we were in Australia you changed. What have I done wrong, huh? Stevie please, you need to tell me!"

"It's nothing really. Lindsey, I'm fine."

"Stop bullshitting me! For God's sake, Stevie!", Lindsey suddenly yelled and he walked towards her, gripping her shoulders and shaking them.

"Stop it!", Stevie screamed back and freed herself out of his embrace,"You're hurting me!"

"I'm sorry..", Lindsey repeated, holding up his hands, and Stevie could see tears dwelling in his blue eyes, "I didn't want to hurt you. It's just.. God, Stevie, this is killing me. You're so cold and distant lately, and I just don't know what to do anymore.."

"Cold and distant?!", Stevie repeated his words, "You were up my pussy all night long! How is that cold and distant?!"

"What have I done to you that you speak to me like this?", Lindsey looked at her with big eyes and shook sadly his head, "This is not about sex, Stevie. It's the way you don't let me into your soul anymore. You don't talk to me, you don't look me in the eyes.."

"But this is all we do, Lindsey!", Stevie yelled and now the tears were coming up in her eyes as well, "We fuck. We meet and have sex. Then you leave again and go back to your wife and kids and we pretend they do not exist until you come back to fuck me again!"

"You're jealous.", Lindsey gasped and looked at her. He was speechless.

"Of course, I am jealous! Shit, Lindsey, are you really that blind?!", she cried.

"I..I.. But..-", he stuttered, completely caught off guard by her statement.

"I can't do this any longer! Fuck, Lindsey! I'm hurting! I tried to convince myself for months that I can do this. That I can have an affair with you without getting my feelings involved. That I can be your woman on the side but.. I can't! I just can't! I'm too old for all of this! I'm 67! I shouldn't be jumping in bed with married men anymore! I'm hurting so badly! I feel so cheap and dirty after we sleep together even though I can't think of anything else than you and your hands all over my body. I want you with me! All the time! But it's impossible! I told myself again and again that having you once in awhile was better than not having you at all.. But the truth is: This is breaking me! Every time you walk out of my door, every time you let go of my hand or kiss me goodbye, I'm dying inside!", Stevie was crying now. She just couldn't hold it back any longer, the words just kept flowing.

Lindsey stood there with his mouth slightly agape, watching how she completely lost it in front of him, not saying a word.

"It's just.. Lindsey, you have to go! I can't take it any longer.. It's over! Whatever it was that we had.. It's over.. I have to protect myself and I know if I keep going like this, I'll lose myself."

"So that's it? You're breaking up with me? Again?", he said finally.

"Don't you get it?! I can't go on like this, Lindsey!", Stevie screamed, tears running down her cheeks.

"I can't lose you.", he said quietly.

"And I can't need you!"

"Why not?", Lindsey asked completely dumbfounded.

"Because I can't have you!"


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Just a short update! ;)  I hope you're still enjoying this story even though there were way too many long breaks between my updates which I'm terribly sorry for by the way. 

Much love, Lara