Submerge

H A B I T

"Good boy," he said, stepping back. "Now go enjoy yourself."

I stumbled away, clutching the baggie in my hand, feeling more broken and used than ever. The shower couldn't come soon enough. I needed to scrub away the filth, to wash away the feeling of his hands on me.

Back at home, I went straight to the bathroom, turning the water on as hot as it would go. As the steam filled the room, I stepped under the spray, my tears mixing with the water. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn't erase the feeling of his touch, the taste of his kiss.

I sank to the floor of the shower, hugging my knees to my chest. The water cascaded over me, washing away the dirt but not the shame. I rocked back and forth, the pain and disgust overwhelming me.

I couldn't keep doing this. But I didn't know how to stop. Killing myself would only destroy Nate more so the cycle of self-destruction was the only thing that felt familiar, the only thing that numbed the pain.

The house was packed with people, music thumping so loud it made the walls vibrate. I felt a bit on edge, but having Ethan by my side made it easier to push those feelings away. He had a way of making me feel safe, like everything was going to be okay.

We squeezed through the crowd, Ethan's hand firmly holding mine, guiding me through the throng of people. I could see the looks we were getting, some curious, others envious. It didn't matter. For once, I didn't care what anyone thought. I had Ethan, and that was enough.

We found a quieter spot in the living room, a cozy corner where we could sit and just be together without the chaos of the party swallowing us whole. Ethan pulled me close, his arm draped over my shoulders as I leaned into him. His touch was gentle, comforting, and I felt the tension in my body slowly start to melt away.

"You okay?" Ethan murmured, his lips brushing against my ear. I nodded, offering him a small smile.

"Yeah, I'm good," I replied, and for the first time in a long time, I meant it.

We sat like that for a while, wrapped up in each other, the rest of the party fading into the background.

It was just us, and it felt like nothing could touch us. Ethan's fingers traced patterns on my arm, and I closed my eyes, savoring the moment.

But then, as if the universe couldn't let me have even a sliver of peace, I saw him—Jacob, standing across the room, his eyes locked on us. His expression was dark, a mix of jealousy and something more sinister. I tensed, the comfortable warmth that had enveloped me just moments ago vanishing in an instant.

Ethan noticed the change in me and followed my gaze, his brow furrowing when he saw Jacob. "Is everything okay?" he asked, concern lacing his voice.

I forced a nod, trying to dismiss the unease gnawing at me. 

Just as I thought I could hold it together, Jacob finally made his move. He sauntered over, his eyes flicking between Ethan and me with a calculating gleam. "Hey, Ethan," he said, his voice dripping with false friendliness. "Did Mason ever tell you about his sister?"

I froze, my heart plummeting into my stomach. Ethan stiffened beside me, his grip on my shoulder tightening slightly. "stop" I whispered, my voice barely audible.

But Jacob ignored me, his attention fully on Ethan. "No?" he continued, his tone mocking. "Well, let me fill you in. You see, Mason here likes to pretend everything's fine, but he's got a pretty dark past. Did he ever mention how his sister died?

"Shut up, Jacob," I spat, my voice trembling with a mix of anger and fear.

Ethan looked at me, confusion and concern etched on his face. "Mason...?"

Jacob grinned, relishing the effect his words were having. "Yeah, Ethan. Mason here killed his own sister. Drowned her. Isn't that right, Mason? You just let her die."

My vision blurred with tears, my chest tightening as I struggled to breathe. The walls felt like they were closing in, the noise of the party fading into a distant hum. I couldn't speak, couldn't defend myself. All I could do was sit there, paralyzed by the weight of the truth Jacob had thrown in Ethan's face.

Ethan's hand slipped from my shoulder, and I felt the loss of his touch like a physical blow. I didn't dare look at him, didn't want to see the judgment or disgust I was sure was written on his face.

But then, instead of pulling away, Ethan reached out and took my hand. His touch was warm, grounding me in the present, pulling me back from the edge of the abyss. "Mason," he said softly, his voice steady despite the shock I could hear in it. "Is it true?"

I nodded, tears streaming down my face. "It was an accident, Ethan," I choked out, my voice breaking. "I didn't mean to... I didn't want her to die. I loved her."

Jacob snorted, crossing his arms over his chest. "Yeah, sure, Mason. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Ethan shot Jacob a glare, his eyes blazing with anger. "Get the fuck out of here, Jacob," he said, his voice low and dangerous. "Now."

For a moment, it looked like Jacob might push further, but something in Ethan's expression made him think better of it. He scoffed and turned away, disappearing back into the crowd.

As soon as he was gone, I collapsed against Ethan, the tears coming in uncontrollable waves. "I'm sorry," I kept repeating, my voice barely audible between sobs. "I'm so sorry, Ethan."

Ethan held me close, his arms wrapped tightly around me. "Shh, Mason, it's okay," he whispered, his voice soothing. "It's not your fault. It's not your fault."

But even as he said the words, I couldn't believe them. The guilt was too heavy, too deeply ingrained. I clung to Ethan, desperately trying to hold on to the one good thing I had, praying that he wouldn't leave me, that he wouldn't see me as the monster I believed I was.