Awake

Chapter Forty-Three - The Sound of Hearts Breaking

"Eighty-seven times you've said you're sorry. I wish you'd stop. You're not the one who shot me."

"No but..."

"Sandy," Ebb interrupted him, "do you really think I would have stepped in front of you – if that's really what happened – because of you? That it could be your fault?"

He could feel Sandy's hesitation. "It was me you were protecting."

"No," Ebb said, with absolute honesty. "It wasn't."

He didn't know whether Sandy understood him. He wasn't entirely certain he understood himself. He'd said the words without bothering to run them past his brain and now he was left trying to analyse his own speech, trying to work out what he had meant.

Maybe Sandy had understood. He moved his hands gently from where they lay on the bed to rest them, the lightest of touches, at Ebb's waist. Ebb sucked in a breath, startled, then relaxed again. Sandy settled his chin on the top of Ebb's head.

"Even so," he murmured, "I am sorry."

"Enough," Ebb complained. "From now on, the word 'sorry' is banned. You're not allowed to say it. It's getting on my nerves."

Sandy didn't reply. Ebb closed his eyes and listened to his breathing. The shattered bone of his hip was agony. His wounded hand throbbed. There was an ache at the edges of his skull. His leg was heavy and deadened. And yet, for all that pain, he thought he could be in a worse place than here.

  They sat like that for several minutes, lost in their own thoughts, each all but oblivious to the other, until Sandy broke the silence.

"I should go," he said, softly. "It's after curfew."

"Nobody gives a shit about curfew anymore," Ebb pointed out. "Not now Jonathan's in charge."

"Even so," Sandy slipped out from behind him, gently laying Ebb back down on the stacked pillows. "There's only so many rules I should break in one go."

Ebb forced himself to stay sat up and he reached out, catching Sandy's hand. The boy froze still and Ebb slowly twisted their fingers together until their hands locked. Sandy turned back to him, his expression unreadable.

Ebb gently pulled him back in until Sandy sat on the edge of the bed again. He wasn't talking. He wasn't even moving. He just watched Ebb's face impassively, as if waiting, not wanting to give anything away. Ebb reached up with his good hand to touch his face. Sandy tensed, looking poised to run.

Ebb leaned forward, ignoring the pain in his hip, and kissed him.

The moment he did so, Sandy seemed to dissolve against him, his arms around Ebb, his hands tracing the lines of his spine, his breathing uneven, his lips soft as he kissed him back. And Ebb held him and kissed him, tangling his fingers in his hair, pressing himself against him, knotting his fists into Sandy's shirt.

He pulled back, letting Sandy breathe.

"You're shaking," he noted.

Sandy couldn't quite meet his eyes. "I...uh..."

Ebb brushed his lips down the side of Sandy's throat. The boy shuddered slightly, his arms tightening around Ebb, trying to speak but not able to find the right words.

"Do you want to kiss me?" Ebb asked.

Sandy swallowed hard as Ebb kissed his collar bone.

"I...I can't..."

Ebb drew back, watching him, smiling. Because it was so easy, so easy to reduce him, so easy to make Sandy vulnerable.

"Well?"