Wait For You in 5 Stages

Pt. 14 : Melancholy

"Will you leave me again?"

It didn't hurt to ask. There was a heavy feeling in my heart and a billion thoughts racing through my mind as I bury my face into his hoodie.

Is this a dream? Will he disappear eventually? If so, what should I say before he does? If this is real, how and why?

"...I don't know..well, yes? I think. I think I eventually have to but not now" He whispered.

I let myself go from his hug and held onto the arms of his sweater as I look him in the eyes.

"Then when? When do you have to go? Lumine I have so much to tell you. I don't want you to leave me again."

I was tired and all dried out of tears. My throat was hurting so bad but I kept talking.

"It's been horrible living without you. You...I can't believe we've been friends for only about a year and It's come to this, because of me.", I coughed.

"It's okay Kody, I saw some beautiful things because of you. Both in life and in death."

It was shocking to hear Lumine talk about death. This happy-go-lucky thirteen year old who wore light blue shirts with a flower on it to sleep and couldn't control himself around cake. It was shocking. When he was alive, he never really spoke about sad topics. The most sad being about what happened to his mom; But even then, he kept it short. I couldn't handle the shock of every emotion pummeling through me at once and I felt extremely nauseous.

Lumine tried grabbing my arms but I fell back onto my pillows. I felt somewhat ashamed that I couldn't keep my composure to even greet him back but I was getting really dizzy and my heart was aching. I felt sick to my stomach. My eyes felt like they were being pulled out and my mind started blanking out. I really wanted to talk to him more but if I said another word, I'd certainly throw up. So I just held onto his hoodie.

He grabbed my hand though, so he just sat there holding my hand as I took slow and deep breaths to try to calm down. However, calming down was a mistake because my sleeplessness caught up to me and I fell asleep with the comfort of his hand entwined with mine.

This interaction felt so melancholy. Not as dramatic as I had imagined when I dreamed of him. In the first few weeks of his passing, I had constant nightmares where I saw his face and body bloodied and ravaged and I just screamed and screamed and woke up sweating. There were also dreams where he was smiling and we were walking around town like we used to, then I'd wake up crying.

I also still have nightmares of the night we met. I am having one right now.