Requiem for an Unpublished Novel

Shadow

Throughout most of the story, the role of the 'shadow' is played by the heroine's father. For the first time such a thought was voiced by the hat: "Do you want to take that risk at any cost? Are you sure it's not pride talking in you, that you're truly not the same? Yes, yes, mull it over..." (Chapter 2 Sorting). However, the girl believed in herself, she believed that nothing could make her the same as him. And if she was the same, then nothing would change that. She emerged victorious from the first encounter with her father, nevertheless, it sowed in her a grain of doubt about her nature: 'I woke up from falling backwards. From this disgusting sense, when your shell has already fallen into an emptiness, and the insides don't have any notion of it yet, therefore, try to jump out of you through your gob. A clot of black smoke only vaguely resembling the outline of a human hung above me. It didn't have a mouth, so it couldn't speak, but I could hear its words clearly in my head. ... I woke up from falling backwards. The transparent air and the canopy of the bed hung above me. "So he is striving to return and seeking a carrier. And he deems I am fit for this. Why? Because we have lots in common... physically? Or not only..." ' (Chapter 4 First year). The similarity of feelings in the presence of 'the boy' and the father, as well as distrust on the part of the 'headmaster', feeded these doubts. After a terrifying incident on the train on the way to 'school' in the third year, they really took the shape of the fear of being like him: ' "What am I afraid of the most?" ... A silhouette began to form in the centre of the glow. It grew as it got closer, but I couldn't detect whose it was. "Father? I've never seen him to visualise. But there's no one else, is there?" No, it wasn't him. This person was of short stature, with dark wavy hair just touching the shoulders and in a school uniform, a feminine gait began to take shape in her movements. When she halted, her grey eyes were exactly at the level of mine. Mildly covered, they expressed a sense of superiority. This image was complemented by just a bit raised lips edge on one side. I knew this expression of the face, it arose on mine extremely rarely. And yet, it arose. ... Now it was the figure of a ... man. His face ... could have been attractive, even handsome, if not for his sight, which emitted the chill of death. And this void again, desperate to be filled. Unfortunately, the person standing in front of me would never allow anyone to do this.' (Chapter 7 Void).

The end of the fourth year brought even less comforting news, especially considering the dream she had at the beginning of it: 'And then, a wave of euphoria swept me over. "Finally! Finally, this day has come! Everything is going as it should, which means soon - now! - I will be freed from the shackles of this miserable cramped body, I will cease to exist, to merely survive, and I will begin to live again, to act. How many long years I have been waiting for this!" ... Suddenly, I was taken from the stone as if by a whirlwind. ... I felt the skeleton reappear inside my body, muscles grow atop it, erecting the newly found spine, setting the limbs and internal organs in their proper location - "what a bliss it is to straighten the shoulders again". As the diaphragm opened, letting in a stream of air, which, bursting into it with force, got to all the cells of the renewed organism in a matter of seconds - "what a delight it is to breathe deeply again". As oxygen surged the brain, awakening it to life - "what a pleasure it is to possess again, and in its entirety, the power that I was once deprived of". My body sank to the ground as gradually as it gained mass. I stood in front of the pedestal where the portal used to be. I was myself again. "Years?! So it was not my thoughts, not my anticipation, not my feelings. No - mine, partly... not only..." ' (Chapter 12 Maze).

In the fifth year, the situation began to clear up: the discovery that she was not the only one who saw dreams-visions and the 'black book' provided answers to many questions. There was also a deadly green ray held by the magic of her ancestors. All this gave hope that it was her father's soul and curse that bound her feelings. That once he was defeated, her own soul would wake up from its sleep. However, there was one 'but' - she needed to die for this. Was it worth it? As long as the 'mind' was alive, she persuaded herself that it was: "I should have died with everyone else that night, fifteen years ago, but I miraculously survived. And he was supposed to die a year and a half later, but he also survived. It shouldn't be like this." (Chapter 18 Deal). And refused to identify herself with her father's family: 'I walked through a dark passage of the castle to get to a room I needed, without waiting for the arrival of the proper stairs. This time, I encountered our new professor of potions in it. I did not attend an advanced course with him ... And the professor himself, due to causes obscured to me, always shunned me. That day he behaved oddly as well: upon recognising me, recoiled as if he had seen a phantom from the past. ... He was about to go, when wavered and addressed me again. "Miss G... R... G..." "Greenwood, sir." "Of course... of course..." In doubt, he shifted from foot to foot a bit more, "My apologies... my..." and then walked away with an uncertain gait.' (Chapter 22 Garden). But after the death of the 'mind' and the integration of false reminiscences into her memory, which refreshed her anger at the 'old sorcerer' and added new reasons for it - 'Funny. After all, the last step on the way there was my differences of perspective with the headmaster, an embitterment to him, and not to my father. "So what am I here for? To give my life for people who don't believe in me? Or join my father and become the one they see in me?" ' (Chapter 25 Torture).