Whisper My Name

Chapter 30

February 18, 1992

Charles Wright Cabin, Outside Telluride, Colorado

You don't have to go nowhere

To get where you should be

You don't have to look around

Just you look at me, look at me, look at me

~ All Eyes ~ Heart ~

Marlena stood on the wide wooden back porch overlooking the mountains wearing John's sweatshirt, a pair of his boots, and wrapped in a blanket. As he traipsed back and forth through the thick snow from the wood pile, his arms laden down with kindling and logs, she watched him in awe. Every once in a while he would stop, and kiss her slowly, licking over her bottom lip with a moan like it was candy. She alternated between laughing at his antics, and moaning as he drove her mad with want. After dropping the last load of wood inside the house, he joined her outside as she watched the snow as it continued to fall.

"How much more do you think we'll get?" he asked her softly, coming up behind her, and tugging her into his arms.

Resting her head back against his shoulder, she sighed, "It should be stopping soon. The stars are bright and the sky is clear." She took a deep breath of the cleanest air she'd ever known. "It's so peaceful here," she whispered. "The snow seems to muffle all the normal sounds, and it's so silent. When I was a child this was my favorite part about snow. The way it blanketed the earth and seemed to muffle all sound, making the planet so much quieter."

"It is beautiful here. I was thinking about you when I bought it," John said, kissing the top of her head. His cool finger tips traced her jaw, and he nuzzled the side of her face. "I know I shouldn't say this... given our current situation, but, Doc, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now."

"Me either," she said, softly running her fingers over his arm wrapped around her. A perfect world would have her, John and the children secluded forever. It would have Sami and Eric growing up feeling loved, and experiencing joy daily. It would have Carrie coming to realize that she was enough. She would always be enough. "I wouldn't trade this time with you for anything... absolutely nothing."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, kissing her temple gently.

She tipped her face up to his with a confused look, "For what? What could you possibly have to be sorry for?"

Brushing his lips softly over her forehead, he told her, "I'm sorry, I was so scared to lose you, that I walked away. In Mexico... I shouldn't have done that. No matter how it would have turned out... I should have believed in you enough, and trusted you enough - to allow you to make your choice, and to respect your decision when you did. Instead, I acted out of fear...and loneliness, and I took away your autonomy. I didn't intend to do that, but I did, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Marlena turned in his arms, touching his bearded face with her fingertips as if he were the most precious thing in her life. "That time... it hurts to think about it. I've pushed it away ever since we came home, refusing myself the right to think about it, because it hurt so much. I understand pain. I understand fear. It can be immobilizing, and it can prevent us from doing the things we want most... it can prevent us from reaching for the people we want most. I almost want to say it's okay, and move on from it, because talking about hurts more sometimes... but I have to say this, or it will forever hang between us. That morning, when you showed up with Isabella...I knew. I knew what you'd done, and it felt like you'd—it felt like you'd cheated on me - even though nothing was settled, and you hadn't committed to me. Even though we hadn't shared more than a couple fleeting kisses, in my heart, you were mine, and Roman coming home changed nothing. You broke my heart in a matter of seconds walking through that door holding her hand. It was as if a part of me died, it hurt that much... I was confused, because it was sudden, John. It was unexpected, and I'd had such hope, so much hope..." Her voice choked on the raw emotion she was feeling as she recalled the way her whole body had rebelled against her in that moment. "I–I felt like when we were in San Cristobal... it had felt as if your decision was me, even if you didn't say it right then. When you kissed me on the beach in Miami, my heart opened to you and it was yours. It would always be yours. In San Cristobal, I slept in your arms and for the first time in months the nightmares were gone. I... had really thought it would be me, and maybe that's my fault for not pushing you–" "