And Yet I Still Smile

Chapter 10 - Head Space

Andrew

Just a moment longer. The tension in my neck begs me for release. My hands throb from the vice grip I have on the steering wheel. I keep my jaw clenched in an attempt to control the inevitable. As soon as Sophie is safely inside, I can let go.

I watch her go inside and shut the door without a single glance my way.

Hitting the steering wheel with the base of my palm, I yell, "DAMNIT!"

I knew the moment Sophie met me in the foyer that she was quickly falling from the high that is sexual arousal and was starting to shut down. She tried to play it off like she wasn't, but she is so easy to read. She wouldn't meet my eye and gave me short one-word answers when I attempted to make conversation.

I should've known better than to let her convince me to go farther. I know it's important to her to remain pure until marriage. She wasn't thinking clearly. But how am I supposed to say "No," when she's not only consenting but literally asking for more. More of something I very much want too.

I can't fathom how mind-blowing full intimacy with Sophie would be. I have no idea how I managed to not embarrass myself tonight with the way she was touching me and responding to my touch. She was so responsive, so willing, so ready to keep going, so... not in her right mind.

I have to stop thinking about her like this. I'm only torturing myself. This was a one-time thing. She won't let it happen again. But what if she does? Am I supposed to be noble and tell her we can't or do I accept her yes for what it is and let it happen?

No, we have to learn to control ourselves. I will not lose her because of her lapse in judgment and my inability to keep it in my pants. We will learn to control ourselves.

Tonight was the worst possible night for this to happen. Right before we're about to leave on a trip where we have to pretend not to be a couple. An entire weekend of pretending we didn't cross a major line tonight. Three full days of not discussing what happened. It's going to be torture.

I know I can handle it, but I'm terrified Sophie can't.

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Sophie

"He's a troubled boy. He's much too old for you."

"He's going to hold you back."

"The flesh is bound to sneak up on you from time to time."

"He's going to get you pregnant."

Dad. Pop. Pastor Rich. Mark. Voice after voice floats through my brain. Warning after warning, all of them ignored. Every single one.

Tears slide freely down my face, dampening my pillow. Staring at my bedroom ceiling I wonder how I could possibly have let this happen. How could I let it go that far?

A torrent of confusing emotions pummel me relentlessly like ocean waves that won't calm. Immense guilt is the largest of them all. No sin has ever felt as heavy as this one. It's almost too much to bear. I'm suffocating underneath it.

But how could something so sinful, so disgusting, feel so good? My body has never behaved that way before. When the boys on the bus and Josh assaulted me, my body screamed in frozen silence. It wanted to pull away, to hide. It acted as it should to such unpure things.

With Andrew, it was different. My body melted under his touch. It not only enjoyed his attention, it begged for more. Intense pressure and then release flooded my body at only the touch of his hand. I didn't want to hide. I wanted to invite him in more. My body, no, I, wanted all of him.