Finding Hope

Chapter 13

Levi

Emily stood in front of me as I sat on the steps to our school, my sketch book in her arms. She was holding my book so tight her knuckles turned white.

At this very moment I could not be more happy that everyone had already left to go home. I knew that Emily knew, and I also knew that she wasn't going to ignore this new revelation. She was a curious person by nature. It'd stress her to death if I didn't give a proper explanation and answer.

Ironically it would stress me to death to tell her.

"Levi, I asked you a question."

"huh?" I looked up at her, my thoughts were feeling fuzzy and my head was pounding.

"Levi this is important, I need an answer. Not knowing for sure has been stressing me out all day." She looked like she was really struggling to stay composed.

I opened my mouth to deny everything and anything but was immediately cut off.

"If you're going to lie to me save it, I'd rather you not say anything at all then." She holds out the book to me, "I already know the answer, I saw it in here. I just- I wanna hear you say it."

I took the book with shaky hands and hugged it to my chest as I stared at my feet. I was totally, undeniably fucked. That was just a fact.

"Look Emily, I'm- Yes I'm gay, but you can't say anything to anyone. I- If people found out and it got back to my parents I would be dead. They wou- they would freak out on me and- and- not to mention I just started to finally feel comfortable around you guys. I finally have something good in my life." I begged.

Fucking hell, its getting hard to breath. My leg was bouncing so fast it was starting to hurt. I didn't mind the pain though, it distracted me.

Wait, no.

Levi, don't think like that. You don't need pain.

You don't need it.

You don't need it.

You don't need it.

you don't ne-

"I'm not going to out you Levi. I'll admit the concept of homosexuality is new to me, and not really something I think about. But I respect your privacy." The girl slowly sat next to me, careful to keep her distance, "I'm sorry for looking through your art book without permission."

I could feel my hands shaking and my heart speed up. It was getting harder to think and everything was muffled yet way to fucking loud. I knew she was talking but I just couldn't figure out what she was trying to say. All I could make out was the worried look on her face.

They can't know, no one can know.

My hands gripped my book tighter and I shut my eyes.

Please, no one can know.

No one can know.

They can't.

Please...

I felt a sob rack on my body. My head was pounding and I felt like I could pass out at any moment. I could faintly feel a hand rubbing circles on my back, and I couldn't tell if that was helping or making it worse.

She knows, she knows, she knows.

The voice in my head just wouldn't shut the hell up and kept repeating itself, and repeating itself and repeating over and over.

Why wont it stop?

How do I make it stop?

The loud ringing in my ears dissipated and was replaced by the rapid beating of my heart. I could feel my head like a jackhammer to concrete. Between each pounding thump I could make out a few words and syllables.

"...okay."

"Promise... won't tell."

"Nobody wi-... your.."

"...I'm here."

The two of us sat there for several minutes as my surroundings became more clear. I was still sobbing and my hands were too shaky to move. Emily had wrapped her arms around me at some point. The girl whispered calmly into my ear. I still wasn't very sure what she was saying and only caught every other word, but the rise and fall of her chest pressed against me was calming. I tried to time my breathing with hers.

"It's alright, Levi. I won't tell anyone. You're safe okay? I don't care that you gay. Shhhh."

"Please don't tell anyone." I whispered.

"I promise."

We stayed like that for quite a while, her holding me as tears rolled down my face. God I was such a fuck up.

Crying in front of her made me feel weak and stupid. Undeserving of the chance for friendship.

"Do you need a ride home?"

I shake my head no, "The walk to my house isn't far. I-I'll be alright."

"Okay," She kindly kissed the top of my head, kinda like how I imagine a mother would do a small child. "You know, considering you're this town's Golden Boy, you're not as perfect as I thought you would be. Guess that's what happens when you get to know someone through rumors and not the actual person." She said bitterly.

I laughed, like an actual full hearted laugh and not a fake one. Emily laughed too. It's almost like breaking down in front of her, broke down one of my walls. A wall I never realized I built, and for once I felt, well...

Normal.

...

As I sat on the rooftop of my house I looked out at the open field. The flowers are gone, taken by their farmer for the year. It's sad to see them gone, but with them out of the way you can see the little critters bounding around in the empty field.

I could see a deer out in the field, I had made some drawings of him in the past. The buck had this magnificent scar going across his back and down his side, probably given to him by a coyote. He had very large antlers and was all around a big guy, I would have assumed a hunter would have gotten him by now.

Maybe they don't want a deer with such a nasty scar.

I sighed and opened up my sketch book. When I got home about an hour ago, I had sat on my bathroom counter for a while. Just staring at myself.

I don't really recall what I was thinking about, I also don't really remember opening my window and crawling onto the rooftop.

Sometimes I get so stuck in my thoughts I get put on auto pilot.

Sometimes it only lasts a few minutes.

Sometimes it lasts for weeks.

Shut up, smile, wave, leave, repeat.

I wish I could trust Emily's words, but I can't. That short, blissful moment we had had quickly gone by and it feels like it never really happened.

***

And that's this chapter peeps! Ngl, I deleted like half this chapter cuz it was just horrible, I fucking don't know what was going on in my head last night, holy fuck.

Anyway here's this chapters song: Living proof by Gregory Alan Isakov

Remember to vote on this chapter and point out spelling/grammar/factual errors! It helps me out lots!