How To Do The Hard Things

How to Act Like You Dont like Them

February 2024

Valentine's Day comes, and you realize you haven't kissed someone properly since the summer. You watch love is blind on your friends couch and criticize and shame the idiots for loving so stupidly, so openly.

And in this month, you reintroduce yourself to society. And you spend time with your old crush and their new love. And you realize how different the feelings were to how they are now. You compare yourself to them, quietly, and you make up for your absence by being loud and funny.

It wasn't ever the same. Not anything like it is now. I think that when I like someone my mind becomes consumed by them and I know this is not healthy, but I don't know how to care in any other way.

Next time I see you, I tell you that I'll go on a million dates when it gets warmer. I never do.
I think I gave you the impression of being busy, just because you actually always were. And I was embarrassed to have been the only one thinking about you in my room for days on end.

So, If I've ever made you feel less important than you were I am sorry. It was me trying to hide those feelings within me. To stop the stirring.

And I tried going on the apps, I tried talking to that one person who responds fast for a while. And I had started seeing my friends again, and filling more of my days with nature. I had started my meds again. And spent weeks hoping that something else would come along and take my mind away from you.

I tried to stop texting you for a week. I turned off my read receipts. I throw myself a pity party and act immature. I still craved your attention too much. I still text you too much. I had nothing else to do. No one else to be.

I tried going to the library, I tried working in my friends office. I tried emailing that old interviewer back. And all I could do was think of you. I didn't know at this point, if I was obsessed or if I had actually fallen. It's hard to tell when it comes to me.

I just remember being so angry you hadn't texted me back for two days. I wanted to be as busy as you were, I wanted to want you less than I did.

"Do you want to be friends?"

I failed.