How To Do The Hard Things

How To Pretend You're Alright.

September - October 2023

"Why do people stay?" You ask them on the edge of the parks hill, while overlooking the city. What you're truly asking them is why do they stay?

You couldn't imagine it then. The weight of carrying emotions for another person. Why would anyone want to hold that much? Wouldn't it hurt? Isn't it unnecessary?

I was in love again, or at least I thought I was.

In September, while experiencing the final days of summer. Finishing the last of my medication. Filling myself with other peoples words and my own delusions. My ego soared, and it's rise started a new months worth of facades.

Coming off of the high of a break up, and the high of a hook up, bragging about all the people that want you to remember your own worth.

That thing inside of you, twitches in its slumber.

And when you feel the humiliation of July you push it down. And when you overhear plans that weren't made for your ears you go numb. And you give yourself a day before ignoring it all over again.

Because at work, when you're not smiling as you usually are, everyone notices. And when you want to be alone there must be something wrong. And it's such a funny joke, you're beginning to crack and you can't even tell you are.

You fill your calendar with things to do and people to see.

You hang out with the girl from summer who you once burned for. On that rainy day, her face is the same but the touch is cold and you aren't drunk enough to ask to be kissed again. Things are so different.

And you laugh together as you tell them you didn't get a kiss at the end of the "date".

And you laugh as you tell them you broke up with that needy man. Who was fearless enough to tell you what he wanted.

And. You don't tell them that when he went quiet, you missed it.

That that cold thing inside of you stirred. That you cried during your meeting at work and didn't have anyone to tell. You missed the feeling of checking your phone, and that comfort of him checking in on you. You missed someone asking you if you were alright at the end of the day. If you wanted to hang out and grab something to eat. You missed the sounds someone made when they wanted to be near you and the feeling of being embraced alone together in a small confined space.

Something moves inside you.

And it wasn't him that you missed. It was the feeling you swore you didn't want. The same feeling you told yourself you could go years without.

And one drunken wine filled night, you admit it. And surprise yourself by saying.

"I get it." And you laugh because you find it comical to want it. You realize then that, you've never truly experienced it yet. Before this, you couldn't understand what it took to yearn, what it felt like to let yourself want someone else. Not out of fear, not out of obligation.

But out of true and honest desire. Out of necessity. You've never allowed yourself that because that was never offered to you.

You were never taught to love properly.
(It's time to teach yourself again)

And as much as you got a story from that failed date. And went in search of another kiss from a pretty girl at a concert who told you exactly what you wanted to hear. Even though, for a moment, it was warm and bright, it went cold.

There are sounds coming from your gut, the same one you thought was empty. There's a hand where it should be barren, and it's scraping its nails against the inside of my skin. Its searching for something I can't give it. (Not yet)

Instead. I post a few stories. I like the ones they post of each other. And you go to the birthday party and sing the saddest song. You tell yourself you're okay without it.

But you watch as they're being held, and you end up going home early because you can. You realize it's the only thing you have at least some control over.

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You leave!!!! cause you're convinced that that's all you know how to do!!! You deserve love and understanding just as much as anybody else!!