How To Do The Hard Things

How To Set Boundaries

July, 2023

You kill yourself when you don't speak.

And every death. Every word unsaid, every thought unspoken hacks away at who you are.

Didn't you want this? To be liked? It's what everyone thinks isn't it? Why can't you just feel the way everyone thinks you do? The way you're supposed to.

I tell my mother I think a man at work likes me and she smiles because, it's the first time I've ever brought up a man to her.

And you tell your coworker that you think the man at work likes you and she tells you you're over thinking it.

And you tell another that you think the man at work likes you and you're told that, if you didn't like him, you should've made it more obvious.

I didn't know how disconnected I was from who I am until this moment. When I went against everything I've built up. When I let my mask slip. When I cry on the walk home. When the panic sets in.

And I become disgusted by his smile. And I hate the flower he brought me but I still love the flower.

He's so nice isn't he? He helps you out and he shared his lunch with you and he gave you those two awkward car rides and he went out of his way to throw out your garbage, and ask his sister for tickets you never got.

And you're the evil one for not recognizing you're cared for. You're the one who keeps breaking his heart. You keep leading him on. You're the one writing love songs on the board and asking him what makes him cry? And the reason he's been listening to sad music?

Didn't you know?

You wonder why she looks at your phone while you type, why he doesn't make eye contact with you when he speaks. Why every person you seek out becomes his target.

Don't tell me you didn't know?

He quits the same week you send him that message. And the guilt sets in. So you message him late at night thinking you're being ignored, and you draw him a picture and compliment his art in hopes of righting a wrong. And you let that girl hug you because he left. You let everyone believe what they do.

Didn't you know it's your fault? Couldn't you just say something for once in your fucking life? Couldn't you have been a bit more obvious?

You're running away from that night, and you're left alone with him at the restaurant and he closes the car door of your Uber a bit too hard. And then he walks away, and thankfully, you haven't seen him since.

Nothing ever happened between you two. And you can't prove it.

But you can't speak unless it's to tell a joke.

And you can't be a person if you aren't making others happy. And you shouldn't be friends with your coworkers. And you'd never love any of them?

Right?

But you do.
And it never was him.
He didn't know who you were.
And in that place where you didn't feel safe,
you became something other than yourself.

When he left. You felt guilt, yes.
But the relief, the relief was overwhelming.

-
So here you are again, speaking a truth and shattering a home. It's happened 3 times now. The first broke you, the second scarred you, and this one has cursed you.

Every time you speak up, every time you ever have, you've ruined someone.

And you still,
to this day,
punish yourself for it.