How To Do The Hard Things

How To be Reborn

July 19th 2023,

The head comes first, right?

Yours is light and buzzing with all the drinks you've had. You're drunk, and it's the first time in your life you've ever been. (You're on a lil something else too haha)

It's freeing, to be present!?!! No, to escape.

To move without fear of being watched, to speak without the fear of what others will say in return. To spit out your words on first thought. To not be scared of the splash.

Is that what this is?

You think,
to not have the world on your mind as it turns.
To evade the walls that squeeze you.

I can't think past my nose, and hers is right on the other end of it. When you look through your camera roll, you see her in every picture and every corner. And in every glow of light for the next two months. She is your awakening. And you tell your friend you love her on that night only, and always will in some way.

Is this what it is?

To feel your fears go quiet. To watch your cage slip? You spin, and your skirt turns and the candles watch and burn with you. You make the table laugh, you nearly fall off a bench, you make a few new friends, you look so fucking good. You kiss several people.

And kiss one person for real.

Theres a clarity that comes with this, though your mind is fogged. And the air above your head is dancing. There's something that's spelt here. Typed out in the screen of your mind. Something clicks.

You become real too.

Is that what this is?

To know what you want?

You chase her through the night in flames. And your arms are linked, and her hand is on your leg then on your waist and on your face, you are charged, you are pulled towards her. And you let it happen.

Because here you aren't in any trouble, an nobody knows your name. And everyone sings it wrong in the chorus and it's the happiest you've felt in a long time.

You are alone in a good way, and you're surrounded by strangers who love you just for tonight.

This transformation stays with you long after midnight. Long after the summer, the fleeting moment, the quickness of it all, it's still right here inside you, calling to come out again. You've never felt desire that didn't hurt, that felt warm, and when you kissed her.

You turned into your family's worst fears.

You go home early, despite her telling you to stay.

You remain wondering what could've happened if you crept into her room, if you got to see the paint peeled walls. Got to taste stale tea from the cupboard drawer, had an awkward conversation on a thrifted chair, smelt wood and her perfume mixed together in a dark room. If you had laughed, holding her, stumbling into her body the rest of the night.

If you had.

Would you have been brave enough to do what you didn't now?

To escape your frame for a night.
To be in hers.
To burn off the old skin.

Is that what it felt like?
To be on fire, and never have it hurt.

-
I wish I went with you. I wish I called your name. I wish I kissed you for real. I wish I didn't have this stone wall around me. I wish I never let that flame go cold.