the boy in room 5 ; style

17: Stanley Marsh

It's about two hours into the day, second lesson, and I'm a mess.

Kyle is driving me crazy, he's making my mind fuzzy, making me feel things, think things, that I shouldn't be feeling or thinking about my best friend.

Now he sits across the room, doodling on his page, doing nothing special, and my heart is racing and every part of my body is tense. I feel so awake yet so drowsy.

Hes clogged my mind. I swear all I can think about is Kyle. Kyle kyle kyle kyle. Every time I try think it something, anything, my mind jumps to that stupid red head I can't take my eyes off of.

Late at night he clouds my mind. I'll be doing things, anything: reading, gaming, singing, anything, and I can't stop thinking; Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Can't stop thinking about how much I wish he were there with me.

The way his hand moves, gripping his pen as it dances over paper, my heart flutters. Any little, stupid thing he does drives me daft.

I bury my head into my hands, feeling my whole body grow hotter and hotter as he clouds the black of my eyelids and the fills my mind.

What is wrong with me?

I know what's wrong with me. I want him. I've know I want him for awhile, I just failed to recognise how down bad I was. He sees me staring, my hand over my mouth as nausea grows in my stomach, and he smiles. His smile is so small, so soft, so sweet. I hurl.

"Stan? Are you alright?" Asked the teacher as I stare at the puke on my desk in fear and dread. Tweek turned around, raising his eyebrow. He knows, and I can't deny that he knows.

"Sorry Miss." I groan. "Can I go to the nurse?" She nods and writes me up a note, walking me out the door and shouting for a cleaner to help clean up the sick.

I know I'm not ill, my puking is an anxiety thing. Every time I have feelings for someone I get so overwhelmed and anxious I puke, even if I don't feel that anxiety. Everyone in school knows about that, and when they see me in school later they'll know I didn't puke because of a bug, and that I have a crush.

They'll assume it's Wendy.

As I enter the lunch room I see Kyle scanning the room, his face scrunched together, tense. He has no food on him, and is fidgeting with his hands. I wave over to him and push past the groups of people.

"Kyle!" I yell. "I'm here!" I grin. His face lights up, his frown pulling into a bright smile.

"Oh thank god, I was scared you went home!" He said, chuckling, as I stood by his side. "Where's the others?" He asked. I point to our usual table. 

"Over there." I say. Kyle looks a little nervous still, so i grab his hand without thinking and lead him through the crowd of people to the table. I hear him gulp and turn to see him looking at where our hands were connected, and my heartbeat speeds up. Grabbing his hand was probably forward and inappropriate but it was to late, and he felt so warm, i didn't want to let go.

"Kyle, Stan! Heya fellas." Said Butters as we began to sit down. His smile was sweet and welcoming. Kyle sat next to me, and on the other side of the table was Kenny on the right, Butters in the middle, Cartman on the left.

"Thought you'd wanna sit next to your gay little boyfriend." Cartman chuckles, "Alone." I groaned and rolled my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Why do you gotta make everything weird, dude?" I complain, shaking my head slightly, still pinching my nose.

I turn to Kyle, curious of his reaction. Stupid, I know; why would I need to know Kyle's reaction? I assume I want him to be flustered, or happy at the idea of us being together, but when I turn and see his face it's scrunched up in anger.

"Shut up, fatass." He spits, hands folded on the table. I noticed his hands laid the same way mine had, and something about us being in sync made me nauseous.

I saw Butters and Kenny giggling to one another, Cartman oblivious to their glances and giggles. I can't tell if they're up to something or if this is just them being stupid and in love.

Kyle sees them too, close to one another with red faces, derpy lovesick smiles on their lips and hands on top of one another. Did they even notice? He gives me a look, a smirk with an eyebrow raised.

He may not know school and teenagers first hand, but he's seen enough movies and read enough books to know there's something up between those two. The look he gave me says it all; he knows.

I giggle quietly, Cartman scoffing his face, ignoring mine and Kyle's interaction as well as continuing to be oblivious to Kenny and Butters.

"Should we interrupt them?" I whisper, shuffling closer so he could hear me better. He shrugged, grinning.
"They like each other." He whispered back. I nodded, grinning also.

We sit and whisper, giggling to ourselves, when I realize he has no food. I had pulled my packed-lunch out a while before I noticed he didn't have any food. Everyone, even Kenny, was digging into their meals, and he leaned against the empty spot in front of him.

He saw me eyeing the empty place on the table.
"What?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Aren't you going to eat anything?" I ask, turning to look him in the eye.

He shook his head.
"I'm not really hungry." I felt my heart drop to my stomach. He's talked about his struggle with food before, about how it was the only thing he control in his life. I roll my eyes and take the apple out of my lunchbox, handing it to Kyle.

"Eat." I command. He huffed out a laugh and smiled small, taking the apple and placing it in his mouth. My heart shuddered. He's so cute.

"P.E?" He read out loud.
"Yeah, we've got that now." I replied. "Can you do p.e?"
"Of course I can." He spat out, angry at my comment. I shrugged and we continued walking, Kenny and Butters. behind us. Cartman had disappeared off somewhere during lunch, probably tormenting someone.

The changing rooms were the same as usual, only everyone was talking about the new boy, about Kyle. I heard them whispering, looking at him.
"Hey, I know you." Craig walked up to him, looking down at him, his shirt in hand. I saw Kyle swallow, nervous, nodding to Craig. He eyed Tweek, he recognised the two of them from when I took him out. And will probably recognise Tweek from his café, too.

I overheard Craig talking mindlessly to Kyle, and Kyle would talk back, and my heart stung. It was jealousy, defiantly, but also I felt relived. Before me he had no friends, and now he had Kenny and Butters, and was talking with Craig like they knew one another.

He was making friends, and whilst it hurt not to be the only one in his life, I repressed the fear someone would take him from me because this was a massive step to him recovering. Emotionally, at least.

A smile crept onto my lips. My jealousy was overtaken by how proud I was. I looked down. His body was so skinny, his ribs popping out his placid skin. My smile dropped. His body was beautiful, something i wanted to run my fingers along. My mind wandered as i imagined tracing his ribs and kissing his chest. I felt dirty. The mix of guilt, attraction, and sadness overtook me, and i looked away.

His body was beautiful, but heart breaking. And the way my mind wandered every time i looked at him made me feel sick, guilty. I can't help it. I love him.

I love him so much.

(1328 words)