All The Lies We Told Ourselves

23 - Truths And Deceit

Celestine
***********

July 7th, Friday

"Please don't go." I said. The feeling of our kiss still lingered on my lips. Rue was walking away towards the wall and I felt like I was pleading. I didn't want to lose her, or whatever was between us. I followed her silently until she reached the wall and stopped, sat down in the grass, her back against the concrete.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make things weird." I said, sitting down next to her. My mind was flailing for something sensible to say. She shook her head and I fiddled with the clasp on my wet shoe. I hadn't even noticed that I had walked all the way back barefoot.
"You didn't. It's just that- it's my fault."
"What is?"
Rue laid her head against the concrete and closed her eyes against the bright sunshine. I stared at the way it seemed to bring out the deepest, warmest tones in her brown skin.
"That I keep losing everyone." She looked at me then, hesitated."You remember that time you asked me if I had ever dated anyone? And I said no."
"Mhm."
"It wasn't exactly true. There was someone. Her name was Mei. We met when we were around fourteen, when she joined the faction right before the summer. And I guess we just clicked right away, you know?" A faint smile spread on her face and I nodded, perhaps too eagerly, wishing for her to know I understood. "We would go down to the marina to watch the seagulls and just talk about the stupidest things. And it was always funny to us." Rue smiled and the warm wind caressed her hair like a lover. "But anyway, she went to this one abandoned building near the wall one day, with a couple others. I forgot to tell her the flooring wasn't secure. I knew it wasn't and I forgot to tell her. And I guess what I'm trying to say is that you never know when you'll lose someone and never see them again."

I wished to make it easier for her, and knowing I couldn't really do that agitated me. She was hurt and all I could do was sit there and listen. But I suppose on that day and in that moment, it was enough. I took her hand in mine and interlaced our fingers. And we only sat there in silence, in the dimming light of the sunset, until it had disappeared behind the horizon and painted the sky in vivid shades of comforting red.

***

"Will you come visit me someday?" I asked when we had reached her house. The porch was empty, but a candle in the kitchen window was lit. The evening wind was cool and it was a relief.
"How would I do that?" Rue chuckled.
"My parents are out for the weekend next week."

My father was going to the hospital. They were going to try a treatment for one last time, before placing him in hospice. My mother was going to a weekend retreat. Anything to get away, I suppose. My parents hadn't spoken to each other in a few weeks and though they hadn't exactly gotten along for the past couple of years, I wished for them to make amends, if only because he was dying. I knew it would end up being easier for my mother that way. Carrying guilt after a loved one's passing was a terrible thing. I should know that. For weeks after Miles disappeared, I would remember that last time we spoke, and beat myself up for what I had said, thinking that maybe part of it had caused him to leave.

"What if I'm caught?" Rue asked.
"You won't be, I promise. They never check IDs in the Capitol, and we'd just be at the house."
She was quiet for a moment, looking back at the house to see if anyone was there. The cat, Beans, slept on the stone stairs warmed by the sun.
"So what, I would just walk past the border wall?"
"I would give you a ride. In my car."
Her expression was serious and for a moment I doubted myself. I hadn't driven a car since getting my license a year ago. My father preferred a driver, so I always sat in the back.

I caught myself staring at Rue for too long and pushed the feelings down. I shouldn't have kissed her. It had made things weird and now she didn't want to see me anymore. It would subside, I told myself, the thing I had repeated for the past few weeks. I would forget about my feelings and things could go back to normal again. I would tell her I didn't mean anything by the kiss, that it was a mistake.
"Okay. I'll come visit you." Rue said, making her way to the front door and opening it to the warm light inside. "Should I bring an aperitif or a bottle of my finest wine?" Her tone was teasing.
"No, just bring yourself." I chuckled, and watched her disappear inside with a smile. I didn't feel cold in the evening wind, not even in my light dress. A warm glow erupted from inside me and flushed my cheeks hot red, like the sky with the setting sun. I grinned as if I had gone mad.