Short story:
Ever since I turned Six, my whole world turned upside down. I don't know why, nor do I understand why. But since then, it was as if there was a blank space in my heart.
It was like an empty space, that no matter what I have or what I get. it can never be filled.
Like how the light cannot fill every dark places in the world, no matter how much they try to shine. Even if they had the power to light up everything, they coud never light up their own darkness.
I do not like it, even though that Empty void did not made me feel anything. I did not like it, it made me feel quite numb and drained. I feel like a drained battery or a flower that have been suck dry.
I always felt like that everyday.
I have friends, they were caring and honest. They were the ones that somehow kept a temporary space into the empty void.
But I was still not happy.
We were financially stable, my family was in middle class. Considering my fathers business, we were stable.
But I was still not happy.
My Family was quite loud and distant, but we were whole. My mother, father, siblings, grandparents, cousins. They were there, it was a loving yet traumatizing family.
But I was still not happy.
Academics? I am a honor student since kindergarten. Even now i did not lower to the top five at all, i was Good at memorizing and analyzing. I was praised for my achievements and knowledge.
But I was still not happy.
I do not understand myself. Nothing I earn or have, can never fill the empty void in my heart. It makes me quite confused, are they the problem or me?
The one who can never be satisfied with anything? The one who set up the standards that she couldn't reach, so she ended up failing?
I am the problem, I'm very much aware. It was my fault for not accepting anything to fill the empty void, but it's not like I did not want to accept it. I could not do anything even if I wanted to.
What do I need?
I can't fill the empty void inside my heart, even if I desperately try. Even if I try to paint colors inside, the colors continue to wilt. Even if I try to shine to reach the darkest places, the light have its limits.
I have long since been use to this feeling. Now I do not try to fill it, the easiest solution I found was to try and act as if it had already been filled.
But then I can atleast pretend.
Fake was better than nothing.
