Rab Rakha

Chapter 31

He looked at her, he could see where she was taking this conversation but he had no idea why she was doing it now. What for?

"What changed?" He asked her then.

"I did something. I know I shouldn't have gotten drunk and made out with a guy I didn't even know. Us waqt, us situation me pata nahi mere dimag me kya chal raha tha. I-I am not defending myself but I was all alone at that time, ghar pe Mummy nahi thi aur ghar me akele itna claustrophobic sa laga mujhe. I didn't want to feel what I was actually feeling at that moment, it was like I wanted to escape." She spoke for a minute non stop like that and he couldn't help but think why was she justifying all of this to him. Maybe she wanted to let it out, so he remained quiet.

"I regret it. Totally. Even Mickey and Guru were so disappointed in me." She mumbled at the end.

"You were disappointed in me as well, weren't you?" She asked him.

"Why would I be disappointed? It's not my place." He replied.

"It's not? Sidharth, jis din maine tujhe iss bare me bataya, uss din ke baad se tune mujhe message nahi kiya." She stated. She wasn't asking, she knew her little scandal had affected him as well.

"This is what I was talking about, yahi badal gaya humare beech. I mean, we were friends , we were on good talking terms. Yaha tak ki tere date pe jaane ke baad bhi hum baat karte rahe. It'd have made more sense if we stopped talking because you were seeing someone else." She continued to speak when he didn't.

"What exactly does that mean? Kya chahti hai tu?" He asked.

"Wapas se friends banna! Itna mushkil hai kya?" She asked, taking a step closer. God, how much she missed talking to him about her daily routine and getting to know about his.

"Mujhse kyu puch rahi hai? Tune dobara message nahi kiya. Kab job lagi? Kaha lagi.. mujhe toh pata bhi nahi tha." he replied.

He looked quite unbothered and like he didn't care for a moment, shehnaaz wondered if she had actually ruined what all they had.

"I'm sorry. Mere me himmat nahi ho rahi thi tujhe message karne ki." She mumbled.

"You don't have to be sorry. You're not answerable to me." He replied and she looked at him confused.

"But I feel like I am. Mujhe lagta hai jaise koi misunderstanding si abhi bhi hai." she told him.

"For the record, hum abhi bhi dost hain Shehnaaz. Aage bhi rahenge, yadi tujhe chahiye toh." He told her. He didn't like it when she apologized.

"What do you mean, mujhe chahiye toh? Tujhe nahi chahiye kya?" She asked quite loudly and he was amazed how quickly her mood changed.

"I didn't mean- tujhe chahiye matlab, We'll be friends for as long as you want. It's a saying." He explained.

"Why would you add that saying? Don't you want to be friends with me forever?" She asked, a part of her felt embarrassed. She wondered if it was just her who wanted him back.

"Wha-? Um- okay fine! I want to be friends with you forever!" He immediately corrected himself but he was taken aback when she looked like she'd cry any moment now.

"Kya hogaya?" He asked her.

"Nahi rehne de." She shook her head and turned to leave.

"Arey lekin hua kya?" He held her back by her elbow.

"Tu khud se bol nahi raha kuch, jo mai bolti hu, bas usi ka reply karta hai. Abhi jo maine kaha, tune bas wahi repeat kar diya. Sidharth, dikhane ke liye mat kar. Mann se aa raha toh bol. I cannot push you to be friends with me." She told him, looking at him for a proper response. Either this would make her believe that there was still hope or would break her for once and for all.