Thoughts of the Past, Dreams of the Future

Tips for a Gentleman

One must always start eating one's food from the outermost fork when with company. When eating fish, one must strive to use two forks, as proper etiquette states. When one feels like one’s food tastes wrong, one should discreetly spit one's food into a napkin. So as to not harm the feelings of one’s host, one must then say ‘apologies, I found a hair’. One must then, respectfully, switch to simply drinking for the rest of one’s meal. When one’s host starts foaming at the mouth, one mustn’t sit there idly. One must call for a medic, try the heimlich manoeuvre on one’s host, anything one possibly may to extend one’s host’s life. When, inevitably, one’s host dies, one must tell the police everything that happened during the evening, without excluding any information. One must mention that one is a well-renowned detective, and that one’s host was one’s childhood friend, John, that one only just regained contact with. One must say that John made dinner by himself, and that no-one had contact with the food one and one’s friend ate that night.

When the police propose that one joins the case, one must accept, for John. One must personally take part in the autopsy of John, and one must notice the obvious, tattle-tale signs of nightshade poisoning. One must also take notice of the test lab results from the analysis of both one’s and one’s host’s fish. One must not let it surprise oneself, that one’s food was as well laced with nightshade.

When one returns home, one must always walk on the right side of the street, avoiding walking under ladders. One must always carry upon oneself an umbrella, in the case of a shower. When rain inevitably comes, one must open one’s umbrella, so as to not soak one’s ash coat. When one sees a dark figure in the corner of one’s eye, one must take note, and speed up one’s pace. When one finally arrives at one’s flat, one must lock the door twice and close all the windows for good measure. One must be aware of the fact that one lives on the second floor, and no danger should reach oneself from the windows. However, one should also be aware that being safe never harms oneself. 

When one sinks into one’s favourite armchair, one may take a long sip of one’s coffee, as one ponders the untimely end of John.When one feels a pair of hands enclosing around one’s neck, one must not panic. One must not panic. One must try one’s best to pry the intruder’s hands off one’s neck. One must defend oneself. One must take the empty bottle of wine that stands next to one’s armchair, and one must smash it over the intruder’s head, and when one feels the hands around one’s neck disappear without a trace, and when one gets up to see there is no intruder, one must clean up the shattered glass. One must turn in earlier despite one’s doubts. One must pray, to whomever is listening.

One should never be late to any social gathering. One should instead strive to be early, or at least on time. When one goes to Sunday mass, one should partake in it, regardless of whether one believes in God. One should take off one’s cap when entering a church. When one prays, one should lift one’s head this time. One should turn to the direction from which one feels someone’s eyes on oneself. One should look to the left pew and notice a dark, obscure figure, peering their black eyes into one’s very soul. It is them. It is them. It is they who were in one’s flat last night. It is the killer. They are out in the open. They will strike again. Run. Run. RUN

When one shows up to the police office the next day, one mustn’t share one’s experience with the police. One must know that they would not believe. One must be aware that the police are narrow-minded people, who would instantly send oneself to a mental institution. No, it is safer this way. One should instead cover one’s bruises on one’s neck with a thick scarf. In the case that someone questions one peculiar attire, one must state that one has a cold. One must take many notes, interview various suspects. One must oneself be certain in one’s beliefs; that the one knows who murdered one’s friend. One must simply muddle through the day, aware that something is coming. Someone is coming. Run.

One must uphold oneself in the utmost hygiene. Before going to bed, one must take a shower. As one brushes one’s teeth, one mustn’t look into one’s mirror. It poses too much of a risk. Do not look up, do not look up, do not look up. One mustn’t look up, one mustn’t. One looks up. It is inevitable. One sees. One sees something that shakes oneself to one’s very core. Something hideous, indescribable. One cannot escape the endless pits of the figure's eyes. And suddenly one feels… overcome, by a feeling of peace. This is inevitable. You did well, now rest, my child. You are free. Do not resist. You are free. You are free. It is over. You did well. Rest.
You let out a final breath.