Counting The Stars

7

I don't know how many hours I have cried for. Wailing on my bed. Everything was a blur. I felt nothing but sadness. The happiness I had few hours ago was all gone. Almost like it never happened.

I had enough crying.

I wiped the dried tears on my face with the back of my hand. I have cried enough for him in the past. Suffered enough on my own. I lost myself because of him and I wasn't letting that happen again.

There was no reason to cry over someone that left with no explanation.

Even that someone is - used to be - your favourite friend.

Mom must have heard me wailing like a baby because she knocked my door a few times to check up on me but after a few times she left me alone with my misery.
Not that I could answer her between sobs. I was too busy being sad.

I finally got up from my bed and went to sit down on my vanitys chair. I looked into the mirror. My face was swollen, my eyes were puffy and blood shot. I had mascara all over my eyes. Possibly the worst headache as well.

God forbid anyone seeing me like this. I would rather die.

I quickly got up from my seat and rushed to the bathroom. Nothing but a quick hot shower could fix this. By this I mean my mental state.

ᯓ★

That "quick shower" took more than it should have. I cried again in the shower. Not because of him this time. Just because I felt so unstable. Like a teenage girl who just got her first period. My emotions were all over the place.

I didn't like it at all. Seeing reminders of him here and there does nothing but hurt me.

Like a rose. It's beautifull from afar. But when you get close to it and try to pick it up it hurts you. Makes you bleed even.

That is how everything has been for the last 5 years.

Remembering our fun memories has always been heartwarming.

But when I turn back to reality and remember the situation I'm in, it completely ruins my mood. The fun memories don't feel fun when I remember them. It only feels painfull.

It's gonna get easier one day. Is what they all say. Yet it never got easier. I just got used to it.

I thought to myself while exiting the bathroom with wet hair and just a towel around me.

I quickly tiptoed back to my room. I really wasn't in the mood to be interrogated by mom. She could be overbearing sometimes.

Which would do anything but help lighten my mood.

I went towards my cabinet and opened it to pick out something to wear.

Grabbed one of the many sundresses I owned. It was beige with pink flowers on it. A low square neck combined with a slit on the right side.

Looks good enough.

When I put it on and looked myself in the mirror I felt a bit better. At least mascara wasn't all over my face anymore.

I sat back down on my vanity and decided to redo my makeup. Doing it always gave me peace. It was such a calming thing to do. Not to mention I always felt better with it. Not because of any insecurities but it just made me look prettier and put together.

I usually listened to music while doing my makeup. But I really wasn't in the mood for some tunes right now. My head would burst if I heard any type noise.

So I did my makeup in complete silence.

Once I was done, I sat back on my stool to check myself out. Good enough. I thought to myself. I didn't have to patience to do more.