Don't Let Me Drown

Twenty Three: Distance Heals

It felt like hours had passed, in reality it was more likely to have been minutes, since Chan had walked away from Hyunjin. He stayed there, crumpled in on himself on the floor. Moving felt impossible, all the pieces he was trying to hold together would fall apart and scatter on the ground if he ever let go. He wasn't able to cry anymore, there were no more tears left to give and now they just dried on his skin, itchy and cruel. Instead, he focused on his breathing, one in, one out. One in, one out. That's what he'd been taught, he was never sure if it actually worked but the repetition was comforting, that's what he wanted right now, comfort.

"There you are."

Oh, it was Felix. Of all the people he expected to come and find him, it hadn't been the younger Australian. But then, he was the one that Chan was most likely to send in a direction who would just follow the command blindly. Hyunjin dared to peek up from his knees, eyes unfocused on the smaller boy and unable to force a smile up at him. What would be the point in telling him everything was fine, it's not like he would believe him anyway and besides, he was bored of having to lie to everyone all the time. They wanted to see him at his worst, they were more than welcome.

"He didn't send me, if that's what you think." The younger boy sat down next to Hyunjin, sprawling his legs out in front of him and grumbling slightly as he stretched out various limbs. "He didn't even come to practice, just sent a text to say he was going home. I never imagined he would have left you behind whilst doing that."

"Neither did I." It was half a sob, half a laugh, the ridiculousness of the whole afternoon bringing a fresh wave of emotion over Hyunjin.

Felix's arm wrapped around Hyunjin's bony shoulders, pulling him into his body and slowly unfurling the distraught boy. They sat like this for a few more moments before the younger decided to speak again, the lightness of his tone pushing through all the sorrow that was pouring from the other. "We've been put on a break from tomorrow, it feels really convenient to me but I'm not going to argue against taking time off. I was thinking of going to Busan, I haven't seen the ocean properly for a while and it always makes me feel better. Almost like I'm at home, you know what I mean?"

The only thing Hyunjin had the energy to do was offer Felix a weak smile, appreciating his friend's attempt to bring some kind of softness to his jagged edges. "Sounds nice," he murmured, the only words that seemed to materialise falling flat.

"And I was thinking that you should come with me," Felix continued, eyes looking over the wall in front of him. "The city feels suffocating, I love Seoul but I can't even turn a corner without feeling like there's a camera following me everywhere I go. Busan is a different world to here, more places to hide. I think that could be good for both of us."

A small hum left Hyunjin, he had to admit, it sounded tempting and he hadn't left the city outside of promotions for months. "You're right, it could be good," he replied gently, thawing a little and relaxing more into the hold. He hesitated a moment before letting his head rest onto Felix's shoulder, tense at the prospect of being pushed away, secretly overjoyed when the younger boy rested his own head on top.

"I don't really understand what is going on with you and Chan. Or Changbin, or any of the other boys," Felix admitted, almost whispering so he didn't startle Hyunjin. "But I do understand what it's like to not have anyone understand you, and how lonely that can be. So don't be lonely, I won't let you be lonely."

Hyunjin had been wrong, he did have more tears left in him, wet trails falling over dried ones. He turned his head into Felix's jumper, hoping they would muffle any pathetic sounds he might be making. "It feels like I'm drowning in it all," a small confession, the chasm in his chest opening. "How do I get them to see how much it hurts?"