Don't Let Me Drown

Nineteen - Wishes & Dreams

The stagnant air lingering in the dressing room clung to Hyunjin like a damp sweat. The weight of it pressing against his skin and weighing down on his body. It was almost impossible for him to take a normal breath without being slapped with the weight of all the expectations on him today. What he wouldn't give for it all to disappear and take away the relentless force restricting his chest. Beat by beat, his heart thudded with rhythmic turmoil, a drumbeat of his own failure.

On his face, layers of makeup that had been applied with meticulous perfection felt like it was slowly melting off and revealing his vulnerabilities. He didn't even recognise himself in the dressing room mirror anymore. This wasn't a confident performer, this wasn't an idol adored by thousands, this was a sad and sorry excuse of a man. A boy. A pathetic child. He could try and hold back the tears as much as he wanted but even blurring his imperfections didn't hide them.

Panic, how lovely. How familiar. It surged through his veins like he'd never feel anything else again. The tidal wave crashed down and broke through every single wall he'd been putting up to try and get through this shoot. Every fear he had about this music video being washed bare for everyone to see. A bony hand reached for his chest like he'd able to physically push away the impending anxiety but instead he leant into its suffocating grip.

And the lights, the bloody lights. Why were they so bright and exposing? Why did he have to be so illuminated? It was some kind of sick joke, how much they could show the world. It felt like he was being interrogated, sitting across from an officer screaming at him when really it was just Hyunjin and his reflection. The dressing room was enough of a prison though for him to entertain the idea, trapped until he would be summoned.

How many more times would he have to wait alone in unbridled chaos? He'd been doing this for years and it never got better, if anything it had spiralled to a point that there was no way back. Music videos, photoshoots, comebacks, they were supposed to be empowering to idols. A way for him to show the world why they should adore him and inhale that validation like a lifeline. When did it all become such a chore?

His clothes felt too tight, white fabric draped over his chest and exposing his stomach in ways he didn't want anyone to see. All that fat under tight knots, bulging through any space it could and screaming at the lack of self control he'd had lately. Getting better. That's what everyone called it. Hyunjin called it disgusting. It made no sense to the tall boy why he could see it so clearly and everyone else was so blind.

His thoughts were relentless, dragging him through the mud and wailing over how stupid he was to even believe he could have been something other than useless. Tormenting him for even daring to go back into the spotlight when hiding from it had been so comforting. They had been happy away from the public, they'd been so safe and in control. Even his heart reverberated that sentiment, breaking for having been thrust back into it all.

It was just a music video. How many of these had he done before? Why was this one his breaking point? Hyunjin didn't even need to think about it for too long to know why. It was exposing, it was raw and honest and beautiful and all the things he wasn't. He'd gone through so much to even get it recorded with Chan and here was, still lying to everyone, a true villain.

The worst member of the group with the best, a duet of two men where the words hadn't even connected with him at first. Red Lights shouldn't belong to him, he was a fraud. A fraud. A fraud. Something he wasn't and never could be. He wasn't the boy people screamed for anymore. He was barely even human.

When did it get so hot in this dressing room? God, he wanted to peel everything off and stop pretending this was his life. Who even was he if he stripped it all away? A bully. That's what the forums said every time he was brave enough to go online. Look at the way Hyunjin looks at people. Doesn't he find everything gross. What a drama queen. No wonder they sent him away for a few months. Look at how great the band did when he wasn't there.