Ruminate {Oikawa x f!reader}

Emotions

You've been in love with a girl since last year now. It's not a feeling you're unfamiliar with, if anything you're at home with it. The only thing that's stopping so many people from knowing of this love, isn't Japan's homophobia and terrible gaydar, but the fact that she's straight. Now that, that you're unfamiliar with even after three years. "Hey, Y/n!" She calls you that too; your first name. It incants from her lips like she's casting a love spell on you, like she's at home with you the same way you are with her. "Hey," you reply, not with a smile, but with your usual, monotone, I don't want to talk unless it's with you, voice. And it's true, you wouldn't want to talk with anyone if it wasn't her, a slight tsundere approach if you will. That's the only reason you willed yourself to leave and talk with Oikawa before this match. It was all for her. "So, how was the phone call?" You shrug. You do like talking with her, but when it comes to the open world hearing of this too, seeing you with her and not her with you, that's when you unfamiliarize yourself with the love you have for her.

"My sister's the same." She hums, sipping from the bottle of water you just handed her. "I'm glad, I'm glad. I hope she's liking Argentina like she said she would." You nod, biting down on your tongue instead of her words. "What about the match?" She smiles, a wide one that invades your personal space. "Exciting. You're right, Oikawa does seem to like me." You nod, letting her shrug her arm over your shoulder. You'd move into it, crave to move into her touch even though all these people are around. The only reason you can't is because someone is around. Because Oikawa has yet to look away from you and at Ema. You even said her name, for fuck's sake he should be glaring heart eyes into her skin. You always are. "Anyway, I was thinking of inviting his team with ours for some dinner. You're still free, right?" No, you want to say, incant into her ears, like her, instead of cry. You can't be free right now, no one should be free if Oikawa and her are going on a date. This will be the first time they're out together, and if he learns of her name, her full name, then he'll realize Y/n isn't only your first name, but a name that's actually yours. That will suck, and you're one for avoiding discomfort at all costs. "I guess." Yet, you do it for her.

You know this is wrong, you know that Ema should be alone with him, and that they will have a lovely wedding and so many kids that people will coo at because their kids are adorable. You know you shouldn't stretch out your pain, you shouldn't watch them fall in love with each other- watch Oikawa steal the girl you actually, truly, without a doubt, can never have because she's always going to be in love with the men you can't compete with. But, denying her is like a sin from medieval times. You feel your head should be cut off if you were to den her of any joy she craves. You can make her happy, even if you never are. "But don't forget, Oikawa and you-" "Do you know if he likes chocolate? I'm more of a caramel girl, but I could get him some chocolates." Also, Ema tends not to hear your quiet voice of denial dare you try to wave her off. You rarely try anymore, and it's not like she's actually hurting you, people just can't hear you. You'd curse your sister out if she were still here, but she got what you wanted, so there's no more fight left in you.

"Maybe take a walk with him and find out," you say, watching her as she hums with a nod. "Yeah... Okay, let's go." Your face falls as she sets the water down, grabbing your wrist as she heads for the tall brunette. You barely get your wrist free before you're in front of him. This is another level of pain you aren't ready for; watching, up close, as Oikawa and her finalize their destiny. This pain might make a home inside of you, force you to familiarize yourself with the inevitable. You could deny her if you tried harder, could finally stop feeling that echo of pain in your chest, but ever since you came here, since your sister left, you've lost all fight. What's the point if inevitability has already found you? "Oikawa, right?" She's smiling, and a similar height to Oikawa so they already look like a couple even if they're just meeting.

"Yes, and you're Ema?" She nods. "My first name, yes." His lips part, a sound of realization leaving him. His eyes have yet to find yours, and you're grateful. "I apologize, what's your last name?" You think it will happen, see it happen until someone comes over and makes it stop. "Ema, can we go to that one place?" She looks back. You know her expressions by now, ever the captain of the team, she's indulging her junior. "I was just about to ask if our competition wanted to join us as well."

You don't have to look at Oikawa to know she's intrigued him. You don't have to look to know you finally have to unfamiliarize yourself with the home inside of you. Ema Shio, one for the books. "Competition?" You hear his voice and imagine yourself as him, imagine her own intrigued face facing yours as you talk like she's interested in you. Because she would be. "Of course, I take all practice seriously." In your peripheral, you see Oikawa's lips part, his eyes darting between her own. You'd think she uncovered one of his secrets based off the inscrutable look he gives. "My first name's Toru," he says, and your world finally crumbles. "My last name's Shio."

You don't know much about Oikawa Toru, but hearing him repeat Ema's last name again, makes you think he's missing too many brain cells. "Shio?" Oikawa's voice has a lilt to it, you dare say he's happy when he repeats her name, eyes solely on her own. She gives him an affirmative, buoyant nod. "Shio Ema. I transferred from Nekoma, it was the school my ma went to when she was a kid." He smiles genuinely this time as he nods. "That's nice, if the offer still stands, can we join you for..." "Ramen." He repeats her word, "Ramen." She smiles, so wide it evades his person space, you know it does. "Of course."

Oddly, you take something from Oikawa during that conversation. The way he repeats her words is something you crave to do now, to savor the taste of her tongue in your mouth without her knowledge. It's wrong, you should describe it differently, but the way Oikawa looked at her is enough ammo for you to ignore it. You just want one last moment with her before dinner, before you have to say goodbye to whatever tantalizing fantasy you contrived.

This universe hates you though, Oikawa's eyes finally landing on you, the spotlight so bright, you think it's the new sun. "And you're..." You want the day to be over with, you decide, maybe have a rewind button so during lunch you actually go to her instead of trying to catch up on sleep as yo usually do. Without the memory of today, you think you'd be fine with telling Oikawa your name, you'd feel better if it were you telling him hours ago in the hallway. Instead, this universe has sick crawling up the sides of your throat as you profess, "L/n."

You're staring into his eyes intently, courtesy you were taught or just because you're intent on annoying him, you have no idea. All you do know is that his reaction is the only memory you wont have of today. Not the way he blinks nor the way his lips part or the quirk to his lips. Nor the heat you feel on your cheeks when he says, "You have a memorable name." You don't remember any good of that moment besides the vile that rises to your lips, the spotlight that burns blisters into your skin and the pure bareness you feel in that moment when you say, "And your name's forgettable." You feel so childish it's degrading, like you've regressed into the kid you were, forced to grow too fast into shoes too big.

In this moment with a stranger, you find yourself most vulnerable, and you hate yourself for it. You hate yourself because as much as you have willed yourself to act like you've never wanted her, don't want her every second she's with you and you're without her, you're proving to every person on this planet there's something you want from Ema. You want your love reciprocated. "Ah, Y/n-" "It's alright, Iwa-chan gets cranky when he's hungry too. Meet up outside?" Ema nods, a bit hesitant as if she never thought this would happen, as if she never thought Oikawa could like someone as beautiful as her. You'd be offended if he didn't, shocked too but affront mostly.

It's when you part from Oikawa do you realize how you might've actually preferred being angry over the pain you feel when you realize she reciprocates his love.