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The fact is that I'll never get to be her. But I can try my hardest to be and as long as it made him happy, I was satisfied with pretending to be her.
That's all it ever was though.
Pretend. Make believe.
Throughout our entire charade it was all just pretend.
At one point I made the mistake of believing that you might actually grow to care about me. But no, no matter how many sleepless nights I spent in my bathroom bleaching my hair raw until it fell out of my scalp or the nights I spent up late studying for the test just so I could even get close to her scores, the mornings spent scrubbing my teeth and gums til they bled, the afternoon lunches I would have to skip to be her. But I wasn't, I could never be her.
Her beauty, her brains. She was unmatched. One in a billion, maybe thats why he liked her. She was everything I wasn't. Being her made me a better person. When I was her I was 'clever' I was 'pretty' I was 'funny'. He liked me when I was her and only then.
Anytime I slipped up he would have that look on his face of realisation that none of this was ever true. Everyone liked me better as her, my family, my friends, my 'boyfriend'. Why couldn't I just be her?
I've never had a real best friend before. Nobody has ever liked me that much out of everybody else in the world. I've never had someone that I could truly talk to, somebody who understood what I was feeling, somebody who had an explanation of the way I felt, the reason I felt the way I did. Or maybe even somebody to relate to, somebody who had a similar situation to me and somebody who could join me in my late night sobs and my daily delusions.
She had him but I had no one, why was he there for her and not me? Was it because I wasn't her?
Conversations to my 'best friend' were like my extra lessons. She taught me everything she could about herself through the way she talked. I wonder if it felt for her like she was talking to a mirror, because for me it did. But clearly I was wrong, no matter how hard I tried I just could never be her.
Why did I never notice how sad she was.
Why didn't I notice the way her beautiful hair began to thin and fall out, the way her grades dropped suddenly, she never smiled anymore. I just wanted to be her but she wasn't even her anymore.
If I wanted to find out what was wrong with myself I should have just looked deeper within the mirror because nothing I ever did was original she would always be the origin of any of 'my' thoughts or ideas. I didn't want to be her anymore.
But it was too late. Who even was I before I was her? I don't remember. As soon as I stopped being her, people said I stopped being me.
Why did you leave me D? Who was I supposed to be now?
The answer was clear all along.
All I knew was how to follow in your footsteps. I should do what I do best and and carry on being you, right until my last breath.
After all, he only ever loved me when I was you.
Max, All I ever wanted was for you to love me. But I'm not her.
