A girl in pieces.

fathers rage

i am five years old.
i walk into the kitchen and hear my father yelling at my mother.
at first i stay silent until he raises his hand at her
i scream at him to stop.
both parents yell at me and tell me to leave
i comply with tears running down my face.

i am seven years old and i ask my father to play with me as he watches the tv
he dismisses me and tells me to go away.
i comply disappointed.

i am ten years old and my father yells at me on my birthday.
i do not scream back
instead i cry in my bed that night wondering when my father became so angry

i am thirteen years old and i beg my father to play outside with me
he refuses to.
i bounce the basketball and play HORSE by myself.

i am fifteen years old when i think my father finally starts becoming interested in my life.
after he asks how my day was he interrupts me and asks for the tv remote
i stop talking after that and he doesn't seem to notice.

i am sixteen years old and my father asks where his happy little girl has gone
i giggle
yet i yearn to tell him she died eleven years ago the day i saw him raise his hand at my mother

i am eighteen years old and i see my father playing outside with the neighbors kid.
he's no older than five.
for a second i smile and then i feel the tears brewing my eyes
the neighbors kid gets play with the person i begged and yearned to play with me for years

i am eighteen years old and i see my father ask the neighbors child how his day was and he sat there and listened.

he never asks me how my day is.

i am eighteen years old and i have never felt loved by my father.

i hope all of my love that he had for me goes to this child in the neighborhood instead
maybe it will be put to some good use