A Normal Girl (You)

You

You grew up in a regular family, in an average town, nothing of note or significance worth mentioning. A regular childhood by all remarks, but something was different. You were different. You didn't know why or how and tried as you may, you could never fit in.

The early days were easy, simple and fun. You can't quite recall the day, the month or even the year now, but at some point it all changed. Things stopped being easy and full of joy. School got tough and people began to bully you. You tried to brush it off and you kept being yourself, trying your best like you always had. The hurtful comments and persistent hate don't stop though, even as years go by, they continue to mock and ridicule. You start to shut down and hide, it must be what you say and the way you act that make them dislike you. So you stay silent but it doesn't work, it only makes things worse. Soon you're branded as 'the quiet kid', mocked further for never talking and that black hole of silence you created to shell yourself away in grows ever darker. You can no longer escape its grasp.

The other students may bully you and teachers may pick on you, and your family don't understand what's 'up' with you, but at least you have your friends. Right? You do have your friends, don't you? The people you held close, the ones you grew up with and shared every spare moment with, have abandoned you. You're left excluded and alone, unsure of what you did wrong.

Your grades fall and you've stopped caring. You're bored and tired and your head is exploding with rage, sadness and disappointment in yourself as well as those that surround you. Outwardly you live in silence but the noises in your head are forever deafening. You stopped handing in assignments, you arrive late to class or just skip it entirely. As the teacher talks away, you don't hear a single word, you draw in your notebook or stare out the window while a rush of thoughts echo through your mind.

What happened to you? You used to try. You used to care. You used to laugh.

Eventually you leave school and step into the world of adulthood. Things will be different; you just know it will. You take some time off and try to figure out what you want in life. You think you've worked it out, but you were wrong. Thats ok, you'll just try something new. You take on a new challenge with aspirations and dreams of what the future might hold, but each time you inevitably fail. You get bored just like you always do, so you give up once again.

This isn't right. This isn't normal. Why do you struggle so much more than those around you? What's wrong with you? You can't do anything right.

You start medication to help your anxiety and depression, convinced that will solve everything.

For a while you feel better and things aren't so bad. You get a job in retail and then another and then another after that. Time goes on and each day you take that magic pill and go to work. You're not happy though.

You're better around people now, better than you've ever been but it's still hard. No matter how much you try, you still struggle. You have no idea how to carry a conversation, make small talk and you forget the basic responses constantly. You're always left feeling overwhelmed and completely unprepared. Making eye contact for more than a couple seconds is unbearable, so you glance around the room trying to find anything else to look at.

You thought by now you would have changed, you would have grown out of it and the simple things wouldn't be so difficult. You thought it was a phase but things are the same, harder in fact.

You're an adult now, you have responsibilities and things to do.

You're an adult but inside you feel like that same helpless child you thought you had out grown.

You live alone but you can't take care of yourself. You'd feel lost without constant reminders of what to do, all the while craving independence. Your parents nag and whinge and yell at you to tidy up and clean. You grow tired of hearing the same words over and over. 'It's easy'. 'Just get on with it already'.

Why do they have to remind you all the time? You're viewed as lazy, child like and a procrastinator. 'Just do a bit every day, it's not hard', they tell you. Until they stop uttering those worn out words because they've said it so many times now. You dread seeing your own parents for fear they will have that disappointed look on their face or you'll hear their disappointed tone once again.

You're an adult, it shouldn't be so difficult to take care of yourself. You know what you have to do, you see it everyday but as you walk past that kitchen sink with dirty dishes growing ever higher, you simply can't bring yourself to dig in and clean, you're frozen at the thought of it, so you continue to put it off. It's what you always do.

You struggle with your mood which is ever changing from one moment to another and you have no idea how to manage it.  Feeling fine, too being down in the dirt, unsure if you'll ever resurface. You can't predict it and you can never seem to change it. There is no switch you can flip, no button to push, no reset code to make it all ok again. You wallow in your sadness, waiting for the day to end.

Everything is a struggle and nothing comes easy to you. You feel inadequate, lost and foolish for your downfalls. While others around you succeed and lead typical lives, you're left feeling behind and unsure of why that can't be you. Why can't you be happy? Why can't you meet someone? Why can't you be normal? Once again you've failed, like you always knew you would.

Days go by and nothing changes. You grow older but your mind and your ways remain the same. You're left wondering, why? Why can't you just be normal?

What happened to you? What happened to that care free kid who used to laugh and smile, that kid that used to try, had big plans and hope for the future? Where did they go?

You're forsaken in an empty shell that has become your existence, scorn by your past and a foreboding sense of hopelessness that is sure to come. You sit in your room alone contemplating life and every decision you've ever made, wondering what could have been; if only you were normal.