Echoes of Our Rebellious Youth (All Time Low fanfiction | Alex Gaskarth)

Chapter 9: It's Better if You Stay

Mickey's POV:

My heart's racing as I walk past Alex in the living room and go upstairs. Usually, there's no reason for me to go up there. It's just Alex's and Rian's bedrooms, their shared bathroom, and a small office. Everything I need is in my room in the basement, or on the ground floor. Well, everything until I need either Alex or Rian.

And this time I need Rian.

Alex doesn't even question me, as if seeing me walk up the stairs is one of the most normal things in the world. And I'm glad, because I have no idea what I would answer if he does.

Luckily, Rian's door is open just a crack, so I don't have to worry about interrupting. I simply slip inside and shut it. He's sitting on a chair at his desk, reading something on his laptop. As I take a seat on the foot-end of his bed, he doesn't really take much notice of me. He's already much too used to Alex invading his space, my presence is barely noticeable.

Eventually, he briefly looks up from his screen. "Do you just want to keep me company or do you want to chat? I'm cool with either."

I'm not sure what exactly I expected from this visit, so I stay silent. His attention returns to whatever he's reading and I'm left to wring my hands together. There is so much I want to say but so few words I can find to express it with.

My heart keeps pounding, ready to fight or flee if it comes down to it.

"Jake was abusive, wasn't he?" I finally blurt out.

Rian turns to me in shock, his eyes wide. It feels so dumb to say it out loud. Of course he was abusive. It's so glaringly obvious. But I haven't truly recognised it until today. I'd been in a relationship with him for almost three years, I'd ended things with him and left with nothing to my name, but I hadn't said the words to myself until now.

I don't blame Rian for his speechlessness. I dropped this on him out of nowhere, and now he's left to figure out how to react. But I need somebody to tell me that I'm not blowing things out of proportion. I'm so used to feeling like I'm blowing things out of proportion.

"He was," he ends up confirming, his voice quiet and extremely uncertain.

And my heart shatters into a million pieces. It's different hearing an outsider say it. Sadie said he wasn't right for me, Max had told me many times that he was a horrible person, but nobody had ever used the word 'abusive.' It wasn't in the vocabulary. Maybe they knew, but they weren't going to force me to realise it.

I breathe out heavily and lean back until my back hits the mattress. It's like I've been hit with life altering news. The word echoes through my mind and I start to think about every moment in our relationship. Even the first moments before he showed his true colours.

The air in the room feels heavy. The truth has finally been spoken, and now I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what else I expect Rian to be able to do for me, but I don't move. My eyes stay on the ceiling, memories flooding my vision.

He gently closes his laptop and walks over to the bed, flopping down beside me. As if searching for what I'm looking at, he also stares up. We lie there for a few more beats, the silence attempting to dumb down the noise in my head.

But then he turns his head to look at me. "You good?"

No. My whole world is crashing down around me. I knew being with Jake wasn't good, but it somehow just got worse. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to hide away and never be found again.

"Sometimes putting it into words makes it real, doesn't it?" Rian mumbles, still watching the side of my face.

I nod, the crack in my chest still slowly tearing open further and further. "It was a never ending cycle."