Clean Slate

Chapter 9

"Just be yourself"

I sighed as my mom gave me typical advice, currently cutting up pieces of chicken as she stood in the kitchen.

"I don't know who I am."

"No one does." My mom looked at me knowingly, the way moms do. She put the trimmed chicken pieces into a bag, preparing them for dinner later tonight. "I'm not saying to be the old Livy. Be the new Livy."

"No one wants the new Livy." I leaned my elbows on the counter, slouching forward in the barstool. "Everyone misses the old Livy and wants her back."

"I like the new Livy." My mom washed her hands as she finished with the chicken, now walking around the kitchen island towards me. She kissed the top of my head gently, taking my face in her hands. "I just hope that someday you will remember everything and see how much joy you've brought to everyone throughout your life."

"Thank you mom." I rubbed her wrist gently before she let go, the door bell ringing almost on cue. Bailey went nuts.

Matthew came running downstairs, a wireless headset hanging around his neck. "Who is it?"

I began to walk to the front door, giving my outfit one last glance before settling my hand on the door handle. Leggings and a hoodie was fine right?

I opened the door slowly, Carter staring back at me from the porch. "Hey Olivia." He smiled at me, already making his way in.

He shut the door behind him before Matthew was tackling him, already begging for Carter to hang out in his room.

"Sadly i'm here for your sister." Carter said, rubbing Matthew's hair. "Maybe another time."

Matthew shot me a look before heading back upstairs, the awkwardness between me and Carter very thick. I wished so desperately that I felt anything for him, constantly imagining myself in his place.

What would I do if the person I loved woke up one day and didn't remember me?

"Hello mrs Evans." Carter said, nodding at my mom. She forced a small smile on her face, but I already knew how she felt about Carter.

In her eyes, he had taken her baby away from her. He had taken me away from her.

"Your room?" Carter asked, now turning to me. I nodded as I led him upstairs, hoping to ease some tension between him and my mom.

I sat down on my bed, carter sitting down not too close, which I appreciated. I noticed that whenever people were around was when he was too close, alone he gave me space to breathe.

"So how are things?" Carter asked, seeming slightly uncomfortable. "It's weird being like this, I mean usually we would be all over each other."

I didn't want to think about that. "We never just... talked?"

"I mean yeah." Carter laughed. "You just always wanted me all over you, so I did what you wanted."

I nodded but stiffened as Carter put a hand out, landing on my thigh.

"You planning on doing cheer again soon?" Carter asked, not looking at my face but rather my legs. "You know, Ava isn't as good as you. She looks good- like the team and all but I miss having you out there cheering for me."

"I don't know." I placed my hand over Carter's and joined our fingers together, now holding hands instead of him touching my leg. "I think I would be useless as a flyer, i'm terrified to hit my head you know?"

"Ice skating is more dangerous," Carter looked into my eyes, "blades and everything, at least with cheer someone can catch you."

I felt sick, guilty sick. I shouldn't though, nothing happened. I didn't need Carter's permission to go ice skating, so why did I feel so horrible?