THE COP AND THE POP STAR

CHAPTER 12: OUTBURST

Tom's view:

Dammit. I hurt her. I feel like such a jerk. I know I made her cry. And I hate seeing her cry. I hate it that I've made her cry. She's too beautiful to be sad and crying.

I didn't mean to go off on her like that.

It's just I had a bad night. I didn't get any sleep. And like I said I've never had a girl live with me before. And I was already pissed and just seeing her make herself at home upset me.

No if I'm being honest, it upset me to see her doing that, because I can't get used to her being here. This girl is not going to be anything to me after this case is over. She is a case. That's it. It's my job. Nothing more.

She does not want to be friends with me. And I can't let myself want a friendship with her.

We all know that would not work out. She's a pop star, on the go, tours, concerts, tv shows, she's a big star. I'm nobody. I'm a cop. I don't have money. I don't have fancy things. I don't have a fancy life. My life would be boring to a star like her.

I would never see her. Even if she said we could be friends, we would never see each other. She could say she would try and find the time, but let's face it, she wouldn't. I'd be hurt.

Also, it upset me that I was jealous. The more I thought about it, the guys were right. I was jealous. Me Tom Hanson, jealous over a girl. That can't happen again. She's nothing to me.

I hate the way she makes me feel. Like my insides, my stomach go crazy. She's invading my thoughts.

And I guess the last thing I was pissed off about was the fact that when I couldn't stop thinking about her, like I could not stop my mind from thoughts about her.  All kinds of thoughts.

How natural it felt to have her sitting at the table with me in her pajamas. Like it happens all the time, even though that was the first time.

Like how hot she looked in those pajamas. The thoughts of wanting to get her out of those pajamas. 

But it was not just sex I was thinking about.

I was thinking about her voice. How beautiful it sounded. How haunting it was, that you could hear the pain and emotion in her voice.

I wondered if that was something that really happened to her, that some guy could hurt her? Is that why she doesn't have a boyfriend?

I decided to hear more of her music. I went to my phone and hit YouTube music, and put her name in, and listened to her songs.

I loved them all.  Her voice is beautiful, just like she is. And I can't describe it, except to say this girl is definitely unforgettable. Her voice. Her face. her body.

But then I wished that I would have just gone to sleep, not tried listening to her music. Because the happiness that I found by listening was all dashed and ruined when I was watching the video to one of her songs.

She was singing about being in love, how love hits you out of nowhere, when you least expect it, and then that is when I saw her kissing this guy, they were out in the rain, walking, and she was singing to him, and had her arm in his. Then he stops her from walking, and holds an umbrella over her, and then kisses her.

Seeing her kiss this guy I felt enraged, like I wanted to go hunt this guy down, kill him. Like I have any business doing that. I don't even know this girl. 

I was upset at myself for having any kind of thoughts of having this girl in my life. As my friend.

I felt like a fool. She doesn't want to be my friend. She's only here because of the case.

But I admit I was jealous, but I also was pissed off at her. 

Because I know she's a pop star, but I guess spending the afternoon and evening with her, watching her talk to Judy and the guys, I just thought she was different. I didn't think she was like one of those Hollywood tramps. I thought she was a good girl. A nice girl.

I guess what I mean is, I know that sex sells, and pop stars put it in their music videos, to draw in the viewers. I just thought she wouldn't do that. Use a guy, make out with a stranger. A guy that she has never met, just to make a video. You don't' have to have that in your videos. I was hurt and upset that I was wrong about what kind of girl she is. 

But then I read the comments down below, and I was wrong. I was wrong that she would just make out with a guy who she didn't know. For the video, because all the comments said that was her boyfriend. HIs name is Rob. And all of her fans gushing over how hot a couple they are, how sweet he is to her, how you can see in his eyes how much he adores her, how he loves her, how they will make beautiful babies, how they are waiting for that wedding announcement any day.

I felt like a fool. Here I was thinking of trying to establish a friendship with her to start with, a connection with her, a bond, and she has a boyfriend, that she is going to be getting engaged to soon. I felt like an idiot.

Where the hell is he?  She has a stalker who could try and hurt her? But where is this boyfriend.

it made me sick to see them together, and I saw how beautiful she was, and how she looked at him, and you can see she's in love with him.

I know she has every right to have a boyfriend. She doesn't even know me. But it hurt deep inside, and it upset me.

And it made me mad that she lied. Well, I guess she didn't lie to me. Because I didn't have the nerve to ask her if she had a boyfriend. I was afraid of the answer. But Judy said that she did not have a boyfriend.

I thought maybe they broke up, and this was an old video, but no I looked at the date the video released, and it wasn't that many months ago. It was her brand-new song that has hit the radio this month it said.

I felt sick. Like I could throw up.

Then I get up and go in the kitchen, and there she is, looking all hot and beautiful, and sexy, looking like she belongs here, and I snapped at her. 

I don't care if she leaves the fridge open, and then when she said it was because she was wanting to make me breakfast, I felt even worse.

She's being sweet. But that is the last thing I need.

I need her to hate me. I need her to think that I hate her. I need her to not want to have anything to do with me. I have to stop myself from falling for her. Especially because I know I can never have her. That would be torture, wanting and loving a girl that you can never have, a girl you can never touch, never love. And I think I could deal with it, as long as she didn't give her love to any other man, but she does. She has a man. He's probably out of the country.  Probably famous like she is.

But now I feel worse than I did before. Knowing I hurt her. I don't know what I'm going to do. How I will make it through this case.

I've never been this way over a girl. No girl has gotten in my head. Or my heart. Yet here she is, and I got to find a way to push all those thoughts out of my head.

After we catch this stalker, which could be any day or it could take a while, then that's it. I will never see her again, and I don't want to be miserable when that happens, or grieve the loss of her, I have never been in love, and I don't want to be, I for sure don't want to know what it feels like to have a broken heart.

But I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be mean to her, if she is going to look at me the way she did, if she's going to cry like that.

Seeing her cry, I almost want to tell her I'll do anything name it, just to stop her tears. And even worse, it hurts inside, and makes me want to reach out and wipe her tears away, then kiss her tears away. Those thoughts torture me. I can't touch this girl. I need to stay away from this girl. But will I be able to?