Descendent of the Sky

The Aftermath: Kaya POV

I got up early, making sure I was out of Sai's place before the others could even stir. Before the sun could beckon their eyes to open. No.

I start running down the path back to my Safe Haven. My skin felt like it had been alive last night. Electric. It had thrummed with the energy of what if but I would not go down that path. No.

The night is darker than normal, like it's pressing in on me, teasing me. Why are you running? It asks, with its torturous shadows taking shape into Ronan, Sai and Deirdre... Where are you going?

I can't breathe, my legs are burning, my lungs are full of ice. Keep going. Keep running back to your inlet, I tell myself, where no one will touch you. Not your body, but especially not your soul.

I love Sai and Deirdre. Ronan? He's another story, a past not worth remembering. His bullying, his too-cool attitude, his fancy, rare gift that made him think he was untouchable - That he could do what he wanted, be anything he wanted.

None of that matters. No matter who I love, who I hold a grudge against, who I hate. I will never allow someone to touch my soul. To build so much longing into my heart, whether it be from lust or anything else.

It feels contradictory. I desire so badly to be accepted and respected in the Sky Faction. I want to be a regular citizen who is treated with kindness and equal consideration to anyone else. Being loved and wanted by someone, anyone, seems like it would be the ultimate level of acceptance, right? But my imagination of the Sky Faction realizing that I'm not a terrible person to be around looks more like people just starting to treat me fucking normal. Not walking to the other side of the street, whispering, sending warped glances my way.

None of my desire for acceptance has ever been romantic. I don't know what to do with that. How can I give myself to someone? I can give my time, my energy, my voice.. But my heart? What does it even feel like to love someone like that? Am I capable?

Sai has always hinted that he wants something more, and I pretend it's platonic. But the hunger in his eyes. The desire that I felt from him. From me. The desire that would take everything I've built into my little glass palace of security and shatter it.

What happens when he decides I'm used up? If we fight? People argue. I've seen marriages turn to ash, couples renounce one another over petty things, disloyalty and disrespect.The discarded partners come to me, weak and vulnerable, seeking revenge - wanting to bestow bad luck to their ex. Their old flame. Every time I ask them if they feel better after I've completed my job. The answer is always the same. No.

I can't do that. Not with Sai or Deirdre. Ronan? Maybe my intense dislike for him would allow me to be physically vulnerable, my heart still locked away, but even that felt blurred last night. I desired him as much as he desired me. It was something feral, some instinct ingrained in our DNA that had us lusting after each other. I couldn't allow it. Ronan, the beloved lightning wielder, would never get to hold a piece of me. Not one fucking piece.

My heart is thundering in my ears, but I press on. The gondolas aren't running at this hour, the sun hasn't even begun to rise yet. I clamber my way across the mountain side, bouldering, climbing, running, sometimes falling, but never stopping.

I want to be loved - valued. I want to be something to someone.. But I am so afraid of what happens after. After they choose me. How will I be enough? I've lived in this faction for my entire life, and I can count the number of people who have given me a chance on my hands. Not a chance to be lovers, but to just be someone that they are kind to. If I don't include people who feel they owe something to my mother or father, the number is just two. Sai and Deirdre.

My stomach churns as I run harder. I could have screwed up the only two people who love me for me. Not because biology told them to love me, or some debt. I could ruin it with a bad decision, based on lust and desire rather than a sturdy head on my shoulders. I'm not a ruiner. I'm not bad luck. It was a mantra in my mind as my feet pelted the ground.

If I let them love me... Could I love them the way they want me to?

I ran for what felt like hours. The steady pounding below me matches the pounding that swelled up in my ears. My breathing is ragged, but I just can't stop. I shouldn't be so scared, and yet here I am. Terrified.

As I approach the cliffside to begin my descent, I will myself to calm. No one needs to see me like this. A mess. I won't let someone's view of me be tainted any more than it was the day I was born. I won't let anyone see me crash like this. To the world, I'm put together. Inside, I'm torn to pieces.

I count my breaths until they are even. Each step down the cliffside, I will my tremors to stop, and allow the fatigue to set in. No one would know I'd felt this unstable about what happened..I had let them both down kindly, respectfully.. They didn't need to know about the tempest of emotions that laid whirling in my brain as we went to sleep. That I faked my breathing to mimic a deep slumber. That I waited hours to make sure they weren't faking it.

That I'd heard Sai declare he'd somehow seen a future with us in it, and what Ronan had declared afterwards, whether that was to play along with our game or not, I don't know.

Head cleared, I climbed the rest of the way back. Cool, calm, collected.

I'm so exhausted, I don't realize the fireplace was never lit. I don't notice that I'm the only one home. Instead, I drift into oblivion.