Everything I Didn't Say

Nine

Leah

As we wait for Katie to bring Millie to the cool down room, my heart is beating so rapidly that I can feel it throbbing in my ears. This was something I'd been looking forward to since the day began, but I certainly wasn't expecting it to materialise so quickly; not that I'm complaining.T he regret I feel for abandoning Rosie without providing an explanation overwhelms me while my mind races with a million other thoughts.

"Rosie... about ending it-" I start, slightly clearing my throat as I feel my voice breaking due to nerves. "I never wanted to leave yo-"

"Now is not the time, Leah; come on, you are about to meet your daughter for the very first time. Let's just make the most of this time for you and Millie, and we'll talk later, okay?" Seeing her reply with such a kind and compassionate beam makes me feel terrible about how I've treated her.

I nod my head in agreement and take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves. Rosie turns her attention to me as she hears a knock at the door.

"Are you ready to meet your daughter?" she says as she moves towards the door, waiting for my answer. Rosie's natural inclination towards helping others, combined with her comforting demeanour and kind nature, make nursing the ideal career for her. It wasn't until this weekend that I realised how truly pure her heart was; she had offered me care and compassion despite what I had done to her.

I can only nod; my nerves prevented me from saying anything else. I watch as Rosie opens the door by turning the handle. There is Katie standing there with my daughter in his arms.

Rosie whispers to her, "Hey baby girl," and reaches out to take her from Katie.

"Just let me or Jen know if you need us, okay?" she motions towards Rosie, kissing Millie on the cheek before glaring at me and walking back out of the room.

I was glad i wouldn't have an audience for this.

My attention was immediately drawn to Rosie as she turned towards me, Millie in her arms.

She looks down at Millie and points at me, saying, "Baby girl, this is your mummy" as she continues to approach me. They are now standing directly in front of me, and Millie is staring back and forth between Rosie and me. "Can you say Mummy?" she asks Millie.

Millie says, "Mummeeeee" with a squeal of delight, pointing at me and smiling. My emotions are at an all-time high. It's impossible to put into words the depth of my love for this tiny girl; my chest hurts just from looking at her.

"Would you like to go give mummy a hug?" Rosie points in my direction. Millie reaches out her arms to me and says, "Mummeeee... Mummeeee" suggesting that she wants to be picked up by me.

I am finally able to find my voice after I have taken her. "Hello, sweetheart... I am your mummy" I look into her eyes and whisper, "It's so nice to meet you. Mama has been doing a great job looking after you while i've been busy, but i'm here now," I reassure her.

She giggles and begins babbling words I don't understand. Rosie, seeing the look of concern on my face, reassures me, "Don't worry, i can't understand what she says either, i swear she talks in her own little language sometimes." I give Rosie a sheepish grin and divert my attention back to Millie, who is now nestling her head in the crook of my neck. As this is still very much uncharted territory for me, I find myself turning to Rosie for guidance.

"When she's snuggling up against you, she trusts you and feels comfortable. It's me, Lou, Jo, Beth, Katie and Jen that she does that with. This good Leah, don't look so anxious," she assures me as she stands beside me and rubs my back comfortingly with her arm.