The Crowded Room

7. The Picture Of Lulu's Delulu.

Overindulgence is terrible for one’s heart.

There are many things that humanity indulges in, sugar, substance abuse, sex, religion, even love. It all evokes the pleasure senses. Thinking back to my 11th grade English Literature Paper I decided to write about a book The Picture of Dorian Grey by author Oscar Wilde. In the book the narrator, Dorian, has a portrait painted of himself looking young and beautiful, but becoming afraid that he no longer will thrive from beauty as age will eventually come to possess him, he hush-hush, makes a bargain with the supposed Devil.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, where am I going with this?
Being able to remain youthful and rich, Dorien, of course, overindulges in every pleasure humanly possible.
Because there is no consequence for him.

Eventually, he plots and commits murder, betrays his closest friends, not to mention he also betrays his betrothal, Sibyl Vane, and then she succumbs to it and kills herself. Now, throughout all of this, Dorien is perfect on the outside, the picture of beauty. But on the inside, he was a horrible person, evil and used and his no longer beautiful portrait revealed it, all the ugliness inside of him. All because he wanted more and could never be satisfied with the finer things in life.

I distinctively remember how I felt when I finished reading the book.
Unsatisfied and angry.

Throughout all the chapters I kept hoping that all who Dorien had hurt would get their revenge, but nothing ever happened to him. And I kept thinking if it were possible to bargain with the devil it makes sense why so many people overindulge and why most people don’t succumb to their own selfish wounds they inflict on others.

I’ve had to heal many times from people like that, maybe not the devil worshipping in the sense, but the point has been made: selfish, careless and without consequence. That’s what most people do, that’s who most people are.

Dorien’s.

I wonder about the first night in Tableview when I met Pierre for the first time. I wasn’t asking for a bargain; I wasn’t asking for anything at all and yet, this beautiful boy approached me, tall and confident evoking all of my pleasure senses, allowing me to overindulge in his ever-consuming presence.

Dorien never specifically asked for a bargain maybe he thought about it really, really hard and manifested it all for himself. Though me, not one singular thought slipped my mind regarding a boy, pleasure, or love. The only thing I wanted to overindulge in was alcohol. But, there I was in that moment. Seated at the bar, talking to him neglecting all around me just for his attention, never once thinking that my heart would beat a million times a minute right at this very moment, in this very car, at this very red stoplight.

Now finding myself asking the question.

Is Pierre a Dorien?

Is he trying to consume every pleasure I can provide before he discards me for the next if he’s not satisfied? Will I be the next Sibyl Vane to fall victim to a narcissist? He’s so beautiful and I’m just me, a normal girl in the world. A fellow Sibyl Vane that is overcome by the enormous amount of power a boy actually has over me. I can’t help but wonder if he will discard me with no consequence or love me without any consequence.

‘’You’re doing that overthinking thing again.’’

The stoplight flashes green urging us to drive. Mila presses on the accelerator and makes a sharp turn right. My gut falls to my knees and suddenly I am once again left with a palpitating heart.

‘’I am a little nervous.’’

She flashes me a smile as we drive a little further down the road and take another turn right, and then she abruptly halts the car in front of Pierre’s home. Unlatching myself from my seatbelt, I quickly scramble out of the car to open the backseat and grab my things, ready to runaway but Pierre is gallantly by my side before I can even touch my bag, he thrusts it into his hand.