When the Sun and Stars Unite (Jegulus Oneshots)

The Ever Consuming Void

Regulus is struggling. It's like he isn't fully in his body but just watching it all from a fuzzy television screen. He's not really sure what is happening, but the void is here, and he is sitting in the bathtub, simply just trying to get through the day.

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Regulus isn't quite sure what is happening, or what he is feeling, or how to make it go away. He just knows something is off. He knows that if he forces himself to get out of bed and go about his day, he can. But he also knows that by the time it comes to him getting out of bed, he would have used all of his energy and feel like everything is happening around him, but he isn't actually there.

That is to say, he knows what's happening. He can see his brother getting frustrated trying to fix part of his motorbike but it isn't working exactly how he needs it to. He can hear his friends laughing at a joke Evan made. He can feel the book he has been trying to read for the past hour in his hands. But Regulus knows he isn't there either. He's not fully there as Sirius mutters to himself about his 'stupid fucking bike'. He heard the joke but it never actually reached his brain to know what was said and why it was funny, he just laughs anyways to not bring notice to him. He can feel every page in that damn book, but yet, it feels like the book isn't there. He can't focus on what is actually in his hands.

Regulus knows that things aren't as bad as they were. That at one point, his mind was engulfed with the void of nothingness. Completely numbed to everything. But yet, he feels that void in his mind. He can feel it sitting there, not taking over his brain, but it's still there and still big.

Some days that void is so small he doesn't even notice it's there. He will wake up in the morning and never realize that he even had the void. But some days the void gets so big that he can't do anything. He just lays in his bed as James tries his best to get him up. Tries to get him to eat something. To feel somewhat alive. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's as if the void is so heavy that even opening his eyes takes every bit of energy out of him.

Then there are some days like today. He can get out of bed and sit at the kitchen table, but he can't get himself to eat. He knows his body needs food to survive and he can feel the hunger grow in his stomach, but the thought of finding something in the fridge, grabbing the dishes he needs, putting everything together, and taking it back to the table to eat, requires more energy than what he currently has.

There are days when Regulus can get out of the house, maybe to go to quidditch practice, maybe to visit Remus and Sirius. While James and Sirius do something stupid for the tenth time this week, maybe Remus and Regulus would just sit there and watch. Laugh at their attempts to cover up whatever James and Sirius did from their boyfriends or just gossip about whatever was happening since they graduated from Hogwarts (being well aware the drama is very old but is still fun to gossip about anyways).

While Regulus knows he can go there and talk, he won't be there. He'll hear Remus talking and hear himself reply, but he won't know what the conversation is about.

It's not like he is intentionally doing it. He wants to know what Remus is telling him. He wants to hear the stories that Remus is sharing with him. He wants to know what he is saying back to Remus. But he can't. It's like he has a little version of himself watching through his own eyes. Little him is seeing everything happening in front of him, but it is through a television screen. But it's on mute and he is trying to read the subtitles. But the subtitles are in a language he doesn't understand. And the screen is too dark for him to make out what is happening on the screen.