The Diary of an EXO-L (EXO KAI FF)

Diary #1

Dear Diary,

OMG! I saw Kai at the mall today. Though he was wearing a gray hoodie with a mask in his face, I was so sure he was the man behind it. People in the mall didn't get to recognize him, but I did recognize him.

I really want to approach him and maybe ask an autograph or take a picture with him but I was afraid he might ignore me or get mad at me for bothering his free time. And besides he was with a girl.

My heart ached as I saw him with a pretty girl and they seemed so close. The girl even held Kai's shoulder. Maybe that girl is his girlfriend? So the rumours are true then. There was a part of me that wanted to take my phone, take photos of them together and upload it on the internet.

But I didn't. I just can't. I am not the bad fan. And obviously I am not a sasaeng fan.

I don't want to intrude Kai's privacy. It's not like he can't date. He is a man after all. I'm afraid he would get into any scandal and he would end up breaking up his girlfriend because of that. Because of me. So I decided to just watch him from afar.

But I did stalk them in a careful way.

Seeing Kai so happy and comfortable with that girl awakens me into the reality that he will never be mine. That even in the next life, he won't still be mine.

It is so painful to see how Kai seemed so happy with his girlfriend. And they looked good together. They are a great couple.

That thought stabbed my heart painfully.

His girlfriend is pretty and I am not. His girlfriend is sexy and obviously I am not. Insecurities filled over my heart.

But do I have a right to be insecured?

Do I have a right to get jealous and be mad at him?

No.Right?

I don't have any right because I AM JUST HIS FAN.

A fan who can just watch him from afar. A fan whom he doesn't even know the existense.

So it is not his fault because he doesn't know me.

Hello Kai, I'm alive too. I exist. I was born to love you. But sadly you're not born to love me. I don't exist in your world but there's only you and me in my world.

Though you love me, but you just love me as your fan and not as a woman.

But I really like you as a man. As Kim Jong In.

There are even times when I wish, I hope you're not an Idol so that I can reach you.

But I realized, if you're not an idol, I will never get to know you.

Because the stage is the one that connects us.

But also the one that separates us.

There were times when I was with other fans waiting outside the music programs' building and even SM Building just to see you.

Though you don't see me. But seeing you already completes my day.

One time when I waited for you from a schedule it was really so cold but I really wanted to see you so I waited with other fans and then you came out.

I was really happy when you said to us "Go home safely and please don't catch a cold." Though you're referring to all of us but I was imagining you said those especially for me.

I love it how you take care and worry your fans. But I wish you take care and worry me not as your fan but as more than that.

That is how much I love you.

How unfair is that right? I'm not the only fan who loves you like this. I am just one of your fans and that's the very sad thing.

How can you look at me when there are millions of fans out there looking at you from the audience?

How can you hear me out shouting your name, when their cheers and chants are louder than mine?

And how can you find me when you don't even know I'm here?

You can never find me. But I can always find you. And I always look only at you.

How I wish someday, you will also look at me.

There were once when I was at the audience with other EXO-LS and you looked us and waved at us, I felt happy but I know you waved not only to me but also to the other fans too.

I remember that day when I started idolizing you. How can I forgot that day. It was in the airport.

I was at the airport to fetch my aunt that just arrived from the U.S. when I saw a passport in the floor.

I picked it, opened and saw your face with your name KIM JONG IN. I actually didn't recognize that the passport is owned by you. I just knew EXO back then as a group but not with your faces.

It seemed like the owner dropped his passport so I decided to give it to the lost and found section, when I saw you looking at the floor.

By looking at you, you seemed looking for something and I just thought maybe you're the owner of the passport I found.

I approached you. I would never forget your expression that day. Because I saw tears from your eyes when I returned your passport. I actually laughed by the thought that you cried because you lost your passport. I mean who wouldn't right? It's an important thing. But I just didn't expect that a man like you will really cry.

"Thank you so much." That's the only word you uttered to me when I returned your passport but it is still fresh in my mind.

That cute moment of you who cried over your lost passport is the reason why I started liking you and now turned to something I shouldn't have to.

And from then on, I started following your group and you. I wanted to see you again so I saved my money to attend your concert. I can't afford the VIP ticket so I ended up in the general admission. During that time, I realized how far you are to me. And that you're different when you're on stage. You're in heaven while I'm on the ground. There are a lot of fans shouting, clapping and cheering for you and at that very moment I realized, you're really unreachable.

Watching you dancing on stage always gives me goosebumps. You look so hot and talented. I want to watch you always in the stage shining brightly like a star.

I was at the audience and I was contented back then just being happy watching you from afar.

But then, as time goes by, I want to know you more. I want to know you better. I want to know you personally.

But I know it's impossible. I can't go near at you, I can't even afford the VIP ticket of your concert. And whenever I saw you anywhere, I don't have the guts like other fans to approach and talk to you.

I'm just afraid you will ignore me. I know you don't remember me at the airport and it already hurts but it will hurt more to know that even you remember me you still don't care. Out of all people you met, how can you remember me right?

But it's okay. I will still love you no matter what. I am your fan after all.

Saranghae Kai. Forever ❤