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Taraji's POV
After getting back to the hotel, I hit my therapist up for a session through Zoom, hoping and praying that she would answer my call for help. I haven't been communicating with her like I should. It's like the moment I need her counseling the most, I turn my back on her. Maybe it's because I already know what she'll say about my situation with Fantasia, and I don't want to hear it. She'll say that I don't value myself or my body. She'll say that I've let my sexual desires override my mental and spiritual stability. I don't want to hear it, but I need to hear it. I just don't want her to tell me that I have to cut Tasia off, but I can already see it coming. Her opinion wouldn't be wrong. How could someone so horrible for me make me feel so good? If I was a diabetic, Fantasia would be sugar in its purest form. I want every part of her, but I know that I can't have it, and that somehow makes me want it more. I wonder what side of her Kendall gets to see. Is she softer, more submissive? Does she handle him with more care? Does she talk to him crazy? For some reason, I don't believe that she does. I bring something out of her that doesn't usually exist, and the realization makes me feel powerful. That's the reason why I can't stay away from her. Sure she belittles me and reduces me to nothing more than a sexual object, but I pull that ferocity out of her. There's no greater control than making someone come out of their character. There are puppets and then there are masters, and I don't know which roles either one of us play. It saddens me that I always have to be on guard with her. I don't feel safe being vulnerable with her. I want to feel comfortable in my femininity and inner softness, but Fantasia makes that impossible with her constant poking and prodding. So why do I allow it? I'm hoping that my therapist will be able to tell me.
She answered the Zoom call, her camera showing her moving around in her bed and raising a sleep mask up off of her eyes. She squinted at the screen, her hazel eyes narrowing into slits. I smiled shyly, giving her a little wave accompanied by a nervous chuckle.
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Dr. Loren: Taraji, what the hell?
Taraji: Yep, it's me, your favorite patient.
Dr. Loren: Girl it's almost midnight.
Taraji: I know, but I really need to talk to you. I've made a big mess of my life since we last spoke, and I don't think I can clean it up alone.
Dr. Loren:*sighs* You're lucky my moral compass is pointing me in the right direction. What's been going on with you? You've cancelled like 10 appointments with me.
Taraji: I know, and I'm sorry. I wanted to prove that I don't need you, or anybody for that matter, but I guess I was wrong.
Dr. Loren: Why is it so important to you to prove that you don't need anybody?
Taraji: Because nothing good comes from it. When people think you need them, they use it to control you and hurt you.
Dr. Loren: You only believe that because you've surrounded yourself with people who think like that. It's natural for human beings to need each other and crave closeness with each other. You need to look inside yourself and figure out why you automatically associate that with something negative.
Taraji: If I knew why, I wouldn't have called you.
Dr. Loren: Well if you're going to have that attitude then maybe I should just hang up. You know I'll always meet you right where you're at.
Taraji:*sighs* I'm sorry, you're right. You're totally right. I'm just stressed to the max. Living feels exhausting as hell right now. Waking up to deal with the same shit over and over again is starting to feel pointless.
Dr. Loren: Do you want to live?
Taraji: I want to hope. I want to believe that things will get better.
Dr. Loren: That's not what I asked you. The last time we talked, you expressed having suicidal thoughts. Have they come back?
Taraji: What if they never really went away? I think I've been distracting myself with things that make me feel alive to forget about my suicidal thoughts.
Dr. Loren: Things like what?
Taraji: I started an affair with a married woman. To make matters worse, I'm working with her on a movie. Her husband is here with her and it's all just one big disaster. I know, go ahead and tell me how stupid and wrong I am.
Dr. Loren: I'm not going to tell you something you already know. So what's she like? What attracted you to her?
Taraji: The fact that she was so attracted to me. I know it sounds pathetic, but even before we crossed that line she was always telling me that I was beautiful. She said it so much that I felt like I had no choice but to believe it, even in my most insecure moments. But it was like the more I started to realize she wanted me, the more toxic our relationship- if you can even call it that- became.
Dr. Loren: Toxic in what ways?
Taraji: She's verbally abusive and really possessive, even though she's the one who belongs to someone else. I knew that she was those things before I even laid down with her, so I guess it's on me. She brings the worst out of me, but she made me feel so good. I can't explain it, and I need your help to make sense of it all.
Dr. Loren: I can tell you 100 times that you deserve better, but you're not going to go out and get something better for yourself until you believe that you deserve it. I have an exercise for you to try, and it's going to sound really stupid, but I promise it works. Every time you practice positive self-talk, I want you to hug yourself, and if you practice negative self-talk, I want you to pinch yourself. It sounds silly, but it's going to help you realize that only you can control how you feel about yourself. Nobody else can have that power unless you give it to them.
Taraji: What am I supposed to say if people ask me why I'm hugging or pinching myself?
Dr. Loren: Who cares what people say? There you go again, giving outsiders your power. Your narrative is yours to write. Who's is it?
Taraji: Mine.
Dr. Loren: Is it anybody else's?
Taraji: Hell no!
Dr. Loren*laughs* Good. Now it's time to put the passion behind the process.
Taraji: You should put that on a shirt.
Dr. Loren: Good night, Taraji. Call me if you need anything else. Just try not to need anything at 12 o'clock at night anymore.
Taraji:*chuckles* Ok. Thanks, Dr. Loren.
I knew that she was just joking. She's been my therapist for so long that she feels like my friend. She's like my human diary. I can tell her anything, but I'm not going to tell her about Kelvin popping back up into my life unwanted. I'm also not going to tell her about me kissing one of my married friends while feening after the other one. That can wait for another session.
We've introduced a new character! How do we feel about Dr. Loren?
