𝑬𝒑𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝑻𝒐 𝒀𝑯𝑾𝑯

𝑿𝑿𝑰𝑰

Dear God,

               It has been a while since I picked up a pen to write. In the beginning I was sure of what I was doing but now I have lost that certainty. I wished to build a relationship with you, and I went about it in a way my mind could. Now perhaps I've grown past the words on the paper. Our relationship should be tangible. 

     Yes. I want to pray, go to church, read my Bible, ask questions about things I don't understand and so much more. In the beginning my questions were if you were real because I wasn't so sure with how things were progressing in my life and how the world was changing. I asked questions like, how does it feel to know you? How would I know you're in my presence? What does it take? Am I worthy of you? Where should I start from? Is it so easy? What are my commitments?

     Yesterday made me realize that I have gotten answers to those questions over the weeks. To know you is a conviction in my heart and to put intentions to seek out to you like how I had to break out of my social circle to see you in the words of Peter, Theresa and Kenneth and how coming to you at the end of the day has solved the problems. I knew you were in my presence when calm washed over me of what could have been a horrible scenario came out better. It takes me confessing Christ in my life, acknowledging what you have done for me and will continue to do and commit myself no matter the doubts to being perfect. 

    I was worthy of you from the beginning when I was at my lowest. I started from seeking because you have said anyone who seeks you deliberately will find you at the end. It wasn't easy, in fact, it's still not and I do get confused sometimes but I have the Holy spirit to guide me. The commitments though were what I didn't count the costs of but am ready to accept it anyway.

     As far as my family is concerned I've decided to do what I can and leave the rest to you. I'll focus on my sister and brother, and then I'll focus on my studies and then who knows maybe I'll fix the relationship that didn't get the chance to blossom between Him and I.

     This will probably be my last letter. I'm planning on burning it very soon.

Lost but found,
Binta Sinobichukwu.

“Are You ready?” Lael barged into the room dressed in a fitted blue skirt, white blouse and black flats. Her hair was hidden in a scarf as a smile adorned her face. She checked her watch, “It's already seven thirty! Mass is by eight. Hurry!” She slammed the door behind her to go rush Dera.

Today we are all going to church on my insistence to give Thanksgiving to God. Mom wasn't sure what we were thanking God for but I knew the letter in my hand was enough reason to thank God for how far I've come. I wanted to be happy, I really did but it wasn't perfect yet.

I wanted Kenneth by my side. He had offered and I had kept silent. One person fought to keep me but I didn't want to try at all. There was no point then. I felt too ashamed as I was not in his league and had so much baggage. 

He did send me a message which I couldn't bring myself to open.

After the Discipleship meeting last night I got access to a lot of audios on topics I didn't know about. Like the five assurances, meditation, Bible study, things I would need to learn as a beginner to strengthen me. Sir Ransford himself made an appearance in the meeting to teach and also make us aware of how happy he is to have us join for Discipleship. He did let us know that not everyone would make it to the sonship page because there would be a test of commitment and an actual exam to test our knowledge. I felt capable.

Despite Lael's fussing we arrived on time and sat at the back. It felt odd being among other people in church. I haven't tasted Holy Communion in four years, mom looked happy to sing and dance during offering time, Ikenna prayed a lot and Lael looked around the big interior in awe. Little steps.

After church service when everyone was filling out I caught sight of him. He too stared at me, long and hard before sadness washed over his expression. I felt so much guilt within me but there was nothing I could do. We can't be what he wants us to be until I'm at the level I should be, if that makes any sense. Kenneth sighed, allowing himself to be pulled away by Ewatomi towards where his step mother and father were waiting.

“You okay? Today's service was good. I forgot what church feels like.” Ify said.

“Half the people in there are still hypocrites,” Ike pulled her hair. “But we're not. We should be going regularly.”

“I agree.” Mom said.

I kept mute, only looking back once to see Kenneth entering their car.

One week later…

“We're not forgetting anything,” Lael rolled her eyes, “Yes, yes bye.” She hung the call on Ike. He left for school on Monday and wouldn't stop calling to fuss over Lael every chance he got. It was the weekend, mom drove silently to our house in Idi Ishin because our temporary stay at the previous place was over. No more Joe and his perfect smile. I felt like this is what we needed, maybe dad would have seen that he needed us and then everything would be okay again.

When we arrived I unconsciously turned to watch the entrance of the neighbors house. The gate was locked. There was no time to be sad because Lael was talking my ear off about how school was for her. Everyone wanted to know where she had been for that long period of time, they were even inquiring about me. I wasn't up for going back to school last week and mom didn't force me to, surprisingly.

“Home sweet home,” Lael exclaimed, dragging her bags into the empty house.

Mom has been more silent than normal.
“Is everything okay mom?”

“Yes, dear. Let's go inside.”

It didn't look like anyone had been living in here for the past week. Dad wasn't around, his shoes weren't on his rack, and everything was in place. 

“I'm going to my room to take a nap,” my sister announced.

“Strange. Dad isn't around.” Maybe he didn't change after all. 

“Binta.” Mom called me back when I was about to retreat to my room. “Sit next to me.”

“What's the matter?”

“You're not a small girl anymore so I'm going to be honest with you. Your father and I have separated.”

“What?” Both Lael and I said at the same time.

She stopped at the staircase, tears formed in her eyes. “I left my phone in the car. Divorced?” She ran back up to her room and slammed the door.

“Ifunaya! Ify!” Mom shouted her name.

“When did this happen?”

“The court is still processing the case but he's signed the documents. I know you girls must be devastated, you loved your dad a lot but he wasn't coming around. I didn't want us to bare it anymore, I didn't want to be the silent mother anymore. Understand me.” She implored.

I remembered the answer I got that day. Mom didn't love dad from the beginning, their marriage was a convenience. I understood her, in fact, I had wished for this all along. To be free from the fear around me and to have a better family. 

At the same time the broken heart of the little girl in me needed time to heal.

“I'll talk to Ify.”

“I love you, Binta. You and your sister equally.”

“Yes Mom.”