Blurred Lines

13. the vodka

"What's wrong, Em?" I ask her in concern. She doesn't look at me. I can barely hear her as she whispers, "I don't want to hurt you." "Hey, hey, look at me," I request. She drags her gaze to me. "You could never hurt me," I say softly. She scoffs, "I already did once, what's stopping me from doing something like that again?" I don't know how much more of her pain my poor heart can take. "You were upset, and angry," I murmur, "You didn't mean it."

"Don't defend my actions, Y/n," she says sharply, surprising me with her tone, "I lost control. That isn't acceptable, or okay. If the team wasn't around, who knows what I would have done."

"Stop, Emily," I breathe, "Stop berating yourself over this. I'm still here, am I not?" She looks at me, her eyes hard. "You're here because I forced you to be. I changed the room assignments, not giving you a choice," she says lowly. "Okay, fair," I concede, "But-" She cuts me off, "See, fuck, I went too far, again."

I sit back, finally realizing that whatever I say won't be enough to convince her otherwise. "Okay, Em," I say softly, "You win." I stand from the bed, and rummage through my go-bag, looking for the smaller bag inside. "Wha- What do you mean? What are you doing?" she asks in a panic. I find what I'm looking for, and sling the handles of the bag over my shoulder. "I'm going to JJ and Tara's room. Obviously you have some things you need to work through, because what I'm saying to you isn't getting to you. Don't wait up," I grab my key card from the couch, and stride to the door.

I almost turn around, hearing her break down behind me. I force myself to keep moving, closing the door firmly behind me. I immediately dig inside the bag for the bottle of vodka nestled inside. I crack it open and chug as much as I can by the time I reach Tara and JJ's room. I wince as the warm liquor burns my throat.

I knock on their door, and hear, "Just a second!" The lock clicks and the door opens to a smiling JJ. Her face drops as she takes in the opened bottle in my hand, and the look on my face. "Come in, Y/n," she says softly, "What happened?" I take another deep sip from the bottle before JJ gently takes it from me. She passes it to Tara, who looks on in concern. I flop down onto one of the beds, feeling numb from my attempt at connecting with Emily.

"She's just not listening to me," I say dully. "What do you mean?" JJ asks. "She's blaming herself for everything. She won't let me in, won't let me help her. She's shut me out," I mutter, staring blankly at the ceiling. "She should blame herself," Tara says, surprising me. I sit up in shock as JJ hisses, "Tara! Not the time." Tara rolls her eyes and comes to sit next to me on the bed.

"I saw Emily grab you on the jet," she says softly, " Even though you handled the situation well, I could see the fear in your eyes. I wanted to step in, but the look in her eyes when she realized what she was doing seemed like punishment enough." "You saw that?" I whisper.

Tara nods, and hands me the bottle again. I take another deep sip, despite JJ's protests, feeling the effects of the alcohol instantly. "How does her grabbing my wrist make her deserve the blame? She only did it because I instigated her to. It takes two people to be in a fight. It wasn't one sided, and I tried telling her that, but she wouldn't listen," I respond. JJ nods in agreement with me, catching my hand in hers. "I'm so sorry she hurt you," she murmurs.

I shrug, "At this point, I don't even care. I would rather her hurt me over and over again like that just so I know that she cares instead of whatever the fuck is happening right now, where she's wallowing in self-pity and icing me out." "Ookay, that's really unhealthy, Y/n," Tara warns me. "I'm intoxicated, leave me and my toxic thoughts alone," I grumble, shoving the bottle at JJ, "Drink, I don't want to be the only one drunk."

JJ huffs a laugh, and obliges, groaning. "I hate warm alcohol," she complains. Tara grabs it from her, sipping it deeply. "I don't mind it," she shrugs. I giggle, feeling happy now that I'm pleasantly buzzed and with my closest friends. "Music!" I bounce excitedly, "I need to dance this shit off."