When It Rains In Ocala

36- Remember Our Forever

I was so focused on maintaining my composure that I couldn’t listen to what the preacher was saying as he spoke about Evan and his wonderful, glorious, life and his perfect personality. He was so perfect and maybe not to everyone- but he was my perfect. He is my perfect. And he’ll forever be my perfect.

When the preacher was done, Kyle gave a small speech about his best friend and how he was a really good baseball player. That made me snap, so I slapped my hand to my mouth and leaned into Brendon’s side, who wrapped an arm around me and held me close. I never got the chance to see him play. I bet he really liked it too. I would have loved to see his face as he played, it must have been lit up with joy. But I’ll never see that. I’ll never see him.

Jason stood up and spoke about his brother, who he only saw three months a year, but they were still incredibly close. I know he was trying to be strong for Laura, but he was breaking and everybody could see it. Especially Hanna, which is why she’s been by his side for most of this week, helping him.

The next person to speak was Aaron. He kind of spoke for me, explaining how happy we were, making me cry harder into Brendon’s suit. I would have been sorry if he ever wore that thing except for on the very rare occasions. I knew that there was no way that I would be able to spit out even a few words before breaking down into tears, so I didn’t speak when the preacher asked for anybody else.

I silently wept in Brendon’s arms as I clutched my chest, hoping to sooth the ripping pain there, but it wouldn’t go away. I think that the pain in my chest was the gaping hole in my heart where Evan was supposed to be. And it hurt so much to get half of my heart ripped out of my chest so quickly and unexpectedly. It hurt so bad.

After a little bit longer, the crowd dressed in black were directed back to Evan’s house where there would be a gathering. You know, to grieve. As if this day hasn’t been grieving enough already.

Brendon kept his arm around me as we walked, guiding me up the path from the cemetery to the car since my eyes were useless and buried behind a thick layer of pathetic tears.

I missed him so much and I had no idea how I could possibly live without him. I promised Evan, though. I promised him that I’d try for happiness and someday, I will. But today I had to cry. Today was a day where I had to let the tears out, and let the grief consume me because if I didn’t, then I’d keep all of this pain bottled away and then someday, it would all burst and that wouldn’t end well. But someday, I will follow through with that promise and I will find happiness. I don’t know how, but for Evan, I will try.

“Here.” Marissa mumbled, handing me a Kleenex, as we slid into the car, Marissa on my right and Brendon on my left while my dad drove and Cody was in the front.

I took the tissue paper from her shaky hand and started to wipe away the heavy flow of tears from my cheeks. I tried to voice a thank you, but I had no voice, it was buried under the thick damn holding my body shaking sobs away.

I was so ready to spend the rest of my life with Evan. To struggle through senior year, graduate, and then we’d go to college together and live in a couples dorm. Even if he hogs the blankets a lot, I could sleep in the same bed with him every night and I’d cherish the privilege. I was ready to fight with him, but work it out because we love each other. I was ready to love him with everything I had and to have a life with him. He is my forever, but now my forever is gone and I am alone.

This hurts so bad.

Eventually, the car came to a stop and we were outside of Laura’s house. Evan’s house.

I followed everybody else into the house, but I didn’t feel like I was part of the group. I felt distant and invisible. I wish I was invisible. Once we got inside, I saw that there were already a lot of people inside of the house, eating away at the hor ’dourves and chatting quietly with sullen looks on their faces.