When It Rains In Ocala

36- Remember Our Forever

“Tis better to have loved and lost. Than never to have loved at all.”
-Alfred Tennyson, The Memoriam

“Evan was a wonderful person and anybody that knew him, I’m sure would agree. The vibrant optimism that he always held was unforgettable and unrepeatable. His smile and his positive thinking will always be in our hearts, it will always be pushing us forward. He was an amazing son, brother, friend, and as of recent, husband. Evan was important to all of you and we know that he will forever be in your hearts. Never let go of the memories that this young boy had graced you with and hold them dear.”

Breathe, Maggie. Just… breathe.

In… out… in… out…

Good, that was good. Now again, and don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry.

In… out… in… out… choke

No, damn it! I said don’t cry!

This was my thought process the whole time while I listened numbly to the person speaking in front of the grave. I really didn’t want to come to this funeral, I didn’t think that I could bare it, but I was basically dragged out of bed by the people around me for the first time in a week. It’d already been a week since Evan had died, but it felt like years since I’ve heard his laugh or looked into those dazzling green eyes. The whole week, I’d been in bed, crying and crying and throwing up a lot, then crying some more. Of course, I wasn’t alone because all of my friends refused to leave me unless they were with Jason and his mom, or at school. Brendon hasn’t left my side, though. Come to think of it, neither has Sam.

I can’t explain the pain that I feel all the time, just thinking about him. Thinking about the time we shared, short but magic, it was perfect. I think about his soft lips, his pouty face, his playful smile, his everything. I think about laying in the fields with him, the grass prickling my skin, the sun shining on my face. I think about dancing in the rain with him, dancing and laughing as the rain drenched both of us. I think about how it’s my fault that he didn’t get to live the long life that he deserved.

And as I stood there at the funeral, Brendon on one side of me and my dad on the other, I could feel the all too familiar pain ripping through my chest, burning up my throat and then sizzling in my eyes, pushing tears down my face. I couldn’t stand this pain, it was too much. This was all too much. I missed him. I missed him so much. I missed his arms wrapped around me and the way that he looked at me, like I was the most important thing in the world. Nobody will ever look at me like that again. Nobody will ever change me like Evan had.

My knees were growing week and I could feel the sobs started to push their way up my throat. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be here. All of my friends were there, surrounding me, and Kyle- along with a few other of Evan’s friends that had flown down here for this day- were standing there, too. They were all dressed in suits and I could tell that they wanted to cry, but none of them did, trying to be manly or whatever. It was clear that everybody loved Evan. And there was Laura, who was a sobbing mess in Jason’s arms. He looked like crap, too. Emily and Cody were sitting together, but Cody had no idea what was going on, he just knew that Emily was sad, so he was doing his best to make her happy. A few girls from the dance team showed up, even though I haven’t been to school yet- that’s almost two weeks already that I’ve missed, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.

I focused all of my thoughts on not bursting out in ugly sobs. I missed him so much and it’s only been a week. I felt so empty, like only half of a person, walking around like a ghost. I felt alone and useless, I felt stupid and pathetic. Alone and empty. My dad had me signed up to see a therapist, but I don’t want to go. Of course, I’m going to go so that I don’t worry my dad because I hate seeing him worry so much. He was so scared for me.