PANIC ROOM • KENJI KON

XXXVII. Overthinking It

Her heart lurched in her chest, pounding so hard all she could hear was her own heartbeat. Her breathing became deeper as she continuously looked between her friends, feeling as though the sky were falling, crushing her in the process.

As soon as Darius called an end to the meeting, Eva took off, sliding down the slide and running to the edge of the Camp Cretaceous clearing. She slid down a tree, the bark scratching up her hoodie as she took in deep breaths, staring out into the dark jungle.

This was fine. Everything was fine. Kenji was fine, Eva was fine— except she wasn't. The earth was breaking apart and there was nothing Eva could do. She gasped for air, pulling her knees to her chest as hot tears flowed down her cheeks.

This was all her fault. Everything that happened between Kenji and Eva was her fault. She didn't deserve his friendship. She didn't deserve him. God, what a complete asshole she had been. Guilt wrecks her mind as she continues to hyperventilate.

But all she can think about is how, if she had never come to Jurassic World, she would have never known Kenji was clean. She would have never known Kenji was good.

Maybe Eva deserved to be stuck on killer dinosaur island. But not Kenji. Kenji did not deserve any of this.

"Eva?"

"What?" she snapped, not bothering to look up at Darius.

"What's wrong?"

Eva sniffled, not bothering to answer. How could she possibly explain her problems to a thirteen year old kid?

"Look, I know things seem bad, but we can escape the island. I know it."

Eva looked up, looking to Darius. "That's what you think this is about? You think I'm, what? Scared we won't make it off the island? Afraid we'll almost die again?" Darius looked at her, as if that's exactly what he believed. "I don't give a shit if I get off the island or not.

"Darius, I completely ruined my relationship with Kenji, and I don't think I'll ever get him back as a friend. I'm the problem on this island. I don't deserve to stay here at camp. I should just..."

"You're talking about that thing you and Kenji and Brooklynn investigated the day we got the kayaks?"

Eva nodded solemnly.

Darius sat down beside her, pulling at the grass in front of them, ripping it out of the earth. "I don't think you're a bad person, Eva." He filled his hands with stolen grass, then tossed it in front of him. Eva buried her head back between her knees and her chest. "I think you just made a mistake. It happens. That doesn't mean you should dwell on it, or blame yourself, or throw yourself to the wolves. Be happy you two have moved past whatever happened. Be his friend again."

"You say that like it's easy," she mumbled, but then he asked, what? and Eva repeated it, louder for him.

She still had tears running down her cheeks, and her nose had grown both stuffy and runny, and was red from the amount of times Eva rubbed her hoodie sleeve against it. She brought her knees slightly away from her chest, and leaned back against the tree. She was sure she looked half-crazy, all covered in snot and tears, all broken.

"You're overthinking it," Darius said. "Kenji's already forgiven you. Now you just need to forgive yourself."

Eva huffed.

"I'm serious. All problems have a fix and your problem, err, well, you just need to forgive yourself. You made a mistake. Now Kenji needs you to move past it. You can do that, can't you?"

"Every time I look at him, I just want to... How am I supposed to move on from it when it conquered my life for nearly an entire semester? That's months of my life I ruined. Months of his life I ruined. How could I be so stupid?" She tucked her head back between her legs.

Raw tears slid off her face and dropped into the dirt.

"I'm a bad person," she whispered.

"Good people can be made to do bad things, Eva, and I really think you're a good person," Darius laid a hand on her knee. "I mean, you saved Kenji multiple times even when you thought you hated him. You sniffed out Mitch and Tiff within seconds of meeting them. You're not as bad as you think, and I think if you gave yourself half a chance, you would see that, too."

"I can't just— forgive myself. Just like that."

"You could gaslight yourself into it?"

Eva barked in laughter.

"Okay. Sure. Why not? I forgive myself."

"And one day— hopefully soon— you'll believe it, too."

"Thanks, Darius."

Could Eva really gaslight herself into being okay?

I'm okay. I'm okay. You're okay. You're forgiven.

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did I almost go to sleep without updating? yes, yes I did. Do I remember writing this chapter? not at all, this chapter is new to me, too

hope y'all enjoyed!!

- Atha