Finding the Missing Piece: Book 4

Chapter Forty-Five

I'm hurting her whether the doctor wants to tell me so or not.

This innocent life that I am in charge of could be dead or have something wrong with her because of me and if anything was wrong, I wouldn't be able to live with myself or even with Peeta.

It's his child too and he's done everything he could to protect me, even before we knew to assure that I was safe and I am making him look like a failure.

I would be the reason for anything that could be wrong.

A few minutes later, Peeta comes out into the car.

He doesn't say anything to me but starts the car up and we take the ten minute drive home.

I cry silently as I think about it all and I think he does too.

How could I do this to her or to Peeta?

Why do I keep testing our limits?

None of this is her fault so why should she be the one to pay?

Because ultimately, my selfishness and my stubbornness is causing her more harm than anyone.

More than Peeta or myself.

I know the doctor says nothing is wrong but there's always a possibility she isn't catching something and that's probably my second biggest fear of this all, my first being the death of my child.

When we get home, Peeta stops the car and goes inside, leaving me alone in the car, in the cool weather.

"Willow, I am really sorry." I cry, talking to my tummy.

She fumbles a little bit.

"I just hope you're okay in there. I promise you that I'm gonna do whatever I can to keep us both safe." I vow to her, letting tears stroll down my cheeks.

I shouldn't have taken this all so lightly.

Again, it was one thing when I didn't know I was pregnant but I do know and I have known and I still choose to be ignorant.

I go inside after awhile and find Peeta in her bedroom.

"Hey." I say, walking in.

He sits on her bedroom floor and just stares at the carpet.

He doesn't look up.

I go over and kneel down beside him.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask, even though that was a stupid question.

He shrugs, "Can I be honest with you?" Peeta mumbles softly.

"Yeah, you always can be honest with me. You know that." I mumble back.

He sighs deeply and sits upright.

"I am very upset with you but I think it's because you're not taking care of yourself either and that really hurts me."

"And now I have your daughter to take care of too and I'm still not taking care of myself." I say, understanding what he's telling me.

"I guess that's it." He shrugs, not looking at me.

"I'm really sorry."

"Exactly, I don't want you to be."

I look up at him again, "What do you mean?"

He sighs deeply, "I mean I don't want you to be sorry if something were to happen."

"So you don't want me to be sorry now?"

"I do but I don't want it to be hanging over your head." He says, confusing me.

"It's going to."

Peeta doesn't say anything back to me.

"I already decided that going to try to quit being so stubborn and I'm putting myself on bed rest." I say.

"You don't have to do that but I don't want you stressing yourself out either." Peeta says, looking up at me.

I shrug, "I need to help you but I think I would help you more by staying away from you."

"Why would staying away from me help me or you?" He asks, narrowing his eyes at me.

"Because if I am out of your way and out of trouble then nothing should happen."

He laughs a little, shaking his head at me.

"You're crazy." Peeta mutters.

"Yeah, I know." I say, looking down at the floor.

"I'm not trying to be mean." He says, leaning over to me.

I sigh, "I really felt like we have been pretty honest with each other lately."

Peeta looks at me, "Katniss, just because I'm upset with you doesn't mean you didn't know that already."

"I just feel like I can't make anyone happy anymore." I say honestly.

He grabs my hands and tries to hold them.

"No, just please stop? All I want to know is what you want me to do the next three months." I say.

"I want you to sleep, eat, drink and take care of yourself and our baby." Peeta says softly.

I nod and try to stand up but fail so I scoot over to her white crib and help myself up.

"Katniss, come here." Peeta says, standing up and following me out into the hallway.

I turn around, not really wanting to face him right now.

"What?" I ask.

He walks closer and takes my hands from my side and sets them on his hips.

"You're making me happier than you could imagine and I love you but you need to take care of yourself and Willow. If you don't, you know you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. I don't want you to live with that."

"But I will."

"Nothing is wrong but if you don't take better care of yourself, it could be. It's not just you and me anymore. We both have to take care of ourselves. No more skipping meals or forgetting to drink or sleep. For me too."

I sigh, "I just want to be alone right now."

"I don't want you to feel like you're doing this alone. Don't push me away just because I'm upset with you and don't push me away because you're stubborn. I want to take care of you."

"I need you to take care of me, not hover over everything I do. That's what's frustrating to me but I promise that I am going to do better for you both." I assure him.

"Kiss me and make it all better for us both." He mumbles to me, the hint of a smile on his face.

I look him in his eyes and lean forward, limply pecking his lips and walking away.