Empires SMP oneshots

Lizzie's landarium

           "Beware of its sharp claws and teeth, and of its claw toes on the edge of each foot. They are very good at tearing your flesh open. But raptors can be tamed and ridden. I know that because I've ridden it myself." Lizzie said. "If you say so," Joel muttered. Scott looked mildly impressed that Lizzie kidnapped one of Joey's raptors. fWhip and Sausage looked intrigued and wanted to ride it. Jimmy looked freaked out about the possibility that the bubble would pop and the raptor would attack him. 

           They moved on to the next exhibit. The bubble contained a grassy plain full of flowers and weeds and had a small flock of sheep grazing inside it, each sheep dyed a different color. "This is the Ocean Empire's lone flock of sheep. They must be related to birds to be called a flock, and just like birds, sheep are very colorful. The standard color is usually black or white or brown, or a combination of the three, but sheep possess the magical ability to be dyed a different color. It might even happen when they eat flowers, but so far I haven't seen it happen. The people of the land surely must worship sheep for this stupendous ability of theirs."

            The male emperors were busy trying not to laugh, not just to avoid hurting Lizzie's feelings, but also because laughing underwater is a very strange sensation, even with a water breathing potion. Lizzie turned to them. "Scott, you have the sheep export, did I get all my facts right?" "First, I have the wool export, and second, uh, you got most of them right," Scott said, being nice and not telling her she'd gotten her facts wrong. Lizzie, satisfied, turned to Joel, who was inspecting the sheep with a curious look on his face. "Lizzie, are those my sheep?" "Whyever would you think that?" Lizzie asked innocently. "They're your sheep," fWhip said. 

            The next exhibit had a frozen pond in it surrounded by a tundra of snow-covered grass and trees. A polar bear cub waddled around, being watched intently by its mother. And she wasn't the only one watching it. The emperors gawked at the bears, wondering how in the world Lizzie got the overworld's largest carnivore into a bubble under the ocean, let alone a whole family of them. "Lizzie, how did you get all these animals down here?" Scott asked, feeling silly for not thinking of the question sooner. "Don't ask," Lizzie told him. "It's not exactly a good story." 

            "She means that she used underhanded methods," Joel informed the other emperors. "Oh, okay!" Sausage said cheerfully. "Yeah..." fWhip started, trailing off. "Joel, don't you dare tell anyone about the stuff I do ever again." Lizzie said with such a fierce voice that Joel swam behind a rock. Lizzie was a ten-foot-tall blue axolotl ocean goddess and was very scary. In fact, Jimmy even joined his brother-in-law behind the rock. "But anyway, back to the landarium tour. So these are polar bears. I have only seen this one family in my whole two hours of searching taigas, so my theory is that these used to be normal brown bears or black bears that got dyed and are now permanently like this because only sheep have the magical ability of constant color change." 

           "Uh..." All the emperors said awkwardly. If Lizzie was going to be like this the whole tour, then maybe they should start correcting her before her fish citizens got a twisted view of what land was like. "Polar bears seem to like eating fish, so my citizens try to avoid this exhibit as much as possible. I'm not sure if they eat other stuff; I tried to feed them honey but it was rejected. Don't they know that honey is delicious and bears eat honey? But maybe the process of trying to dye something that isn't a sheep addled their brains; the last time I checked, polar bears have the brains of a potato," Lizzie ranted. The emperors quietly moved on to the next exhibit before Lizzie kept on rambling about bears. 

           "This is my flock of woodpeckers that I kidnapped- I mean birdnapped- I mean adopted from the Undergrove," Lizzie said proudly, gesturing to the bubble that surrounded an oak forest. Woodpeckers roosted in the branches, dancing to the music coming from a jukebox sitting under a tree. "I think they're related to parrots; they seem to like dancing an awful lot. So I put a jukebox in here that cost me a diamond, what a scam, and I'm very careful to change the music everyday. Because woodpeckers have sharp beaks that are strong enough to hammer holes in wood, so imagine what they can do your head." Jimmy alarmedly swam away from the woodpecker inclosure. 

           "I am sorry, but this is our last exhibit," Lizzie started. "I didn't make the landarium that long ago. But uh, Sausage, you are not allowed to see this last one." "What?! Aw, come on, why not?!" Sausage protested. "Come on, Lizzie, Sausage should get what he wants," fWhip said. "Yeah, why can't Sausage see?" Joel agreed. "I'm sure Lizzie has a good reason, but let Sausage come along anyway," Scott said. Lizzie groaned. "Fine, but if I get into trouble this is all your fault." 

           They walked along the prismarine path and Lizzie showed them the last exhibit. The last bubble enclosed a fancy oak-paneled room, with blood-red carpet and anvils all over the place, lit up by iron lanterns hanging from chains that was somehow able to be attached to the bubble ceiling. None of the male emperors had any idea how Lizzie had managed that, with the possible exception of Sausage, but no one knew what went on in Sausage's head. In the center of the room was a throne made of iron. And sitting on that throne was Sausage's beloved dog, Bubbles. 

           "Bubbles!" Sausage yelped. With a bang of water rushing into the spot where he once was a second ago, Sausage teleported into the bubble that Bubbles was in. "Since when did Sausage learn to teleport?" Joel asked in shock. "I have no idea," Jimmy said. "You're literally his neighbor!" fWhip said, laughing. "And I knew before you!" "Well, you're his best friend," Scott pointed out. "And not to mention Sausage is Sausage," Lizzie said. "Lizzie! This is a different Bubbles!" Sausage yelled from inside the bubble. "How did you kidnap Bubbles anyway?" Joel asked his wife. "I didn't, I cloned her," Lizzie explained. 

           "Yeah! I just said it was a different Bubbles! She's not part of the Bubbles council composed of the different Bubbles from across the multiverse!" Sausage shouted back. "Uh, what?" Jimmy asked blankly. "Yeah, I accidentally walked into a meeting room full of Bubbles once by walking through a portal I shouldn't have; you shouldn't ask," fWhip said. "If it's a different Bubbles, can I keep her?" Lizzie asked Sausage. "Her name is literally 'Bubbles', so she fits in here." Sausage thought for a second, then looked at the Bubbles sitting in his lap. She barked. 

           "Okay, she says she likes it under the sea and that she wants to stay!" Sausage petted the dog and then teleported out of the bubble; making water shoot away from him as he took their place. "Wow, teleporting underwater is fun." Sausage said giddily. "Anyway, so this is Bubbles. She is a dog, loyal creatures that are man's best friend. I haven't heard what they do to women. They're also not like dogfish, vicious creatures that will bite your fingers off. But this specimen, a dog of the Bubbles variety, have only been known to live with Sausage across the multiverse." Lizzie said. Everyone looked at Sausage, who shrugged. 

           "There are various different versions of Bubbles, all with different favorite colors and therefore wear collars of differing colors to differentiate. They are all connected to each other and can each experience the things that her other selves experience. So what one knows, they all know. They are also great multiversal beings of great power that transcend all reality and will not hesitate to swallow their enemies whole." The emperors shot a double take at the seemingly innocent and now apparently deceptive dog. Sausage just stood there, starting to float away, but he didn't notice; mouth agape and gawking at Lizzie. "How did you know all that?! Not even I know the part about how they're connected to each other!" 

           "Lizzie, how did you know something that not even Sausage knows about his own dog?" Joel asked cautiously while Scott pulled Sausage down to the seafloor. "Eh, don't ask," Lizzie shrugged. "She got every single fact right!" Sausage was still ranting. "Wait, why are you surprised about that?" Lizzie asked. Then her eyes widened. "Wait, have I been getting all my animal facts wrong?! And none of you told me?!" The emperors started to protest, but Lizzie got annoyed. 

           "Oh, you were all having a laugh about me being silly and not getting my facts right, weren't you? Oh, now I'm mad! Hey, get back here!" But the emperors were already swimming back up to the surface as fast as they could to avoid the angry predatory blue axolotl queen; with the exception of Sausage, who'd already teleported there and was waiting impatiently for them.