"You may feel disgusted by me, Lillian. But remember. I'm your fucking fiancé. Not him".
The minute he said those words , the whole world tuned out. The chatter of people, the honking of vehicles, and the football match playing on television. Everyt...
The thought circled in my mind, driving me crazy. I knew from the start that this was a bad idea. But never in a thousand lifetimes would I have thought that I'd let myself get into such a pitiful situation.
I always knew I wasn't cut out for love. Every time someone came close to me, they ended up reminding me that I was meant to be alone. At some point, I accepted my fate. But at this moment, all those past memories of hurt and abandonment felt insignificant and trivial.
Now it felt like my heart was being ripped out and glued back together in all the wrong places. It didn't matter that there had never been anything between us. It didn't matter that I wasn't even that close to him.
It wasn't about the girl. It wasn't about the kiss. It wasn't even about Jamie. What made that moment the worst was that I had completely trusted someone to be a certain person just to be proved that he wasn't a bit like the guy I'd thought he was.
It felt like all the moments between us these two months disappeared into a puff of smoke.
"I too sometimes wonder about how the grass is so green."
I heard the voice in the background as my mind was in a mess. It took me nearly a minute to register that the voice had been Joel's, and he had sat beside me, and I had been staring at the grass.
Grass?
I looked around to find that I was in a garden. I didn't recall coming here because the last thing I remember was roaming the corridors, crying like a haunted ghost. My hands instinctually went to my cheeks as I felt them dry and sticky. I didn't even know when I stopped crying.
I knew the trail of tears would be visible even to an old, half-blind man. There was no way Joel would've missed it, but thankfully he didn't comment on it.
"Heard you had a brawl with Anya." The question came out of the blue, and I wasn't sure how to answer it.
"Yeah, some misunderstanding. We made up."
"Then you're not upset because I'm interested in you?"
I stared at him, unable to process his words.
Was that a confession?
"I think that question was simple enough. People asked me about it too. You don't have to look at me like that." His face seemed indifferent, but with Joel, you never know if he's serious or making fun of you.
"That's actually not my problem. You don't seem the type to be interested in me."
His eyes narrowed in curiosity, and his lips tipped up. "And why's that?"
I got myself into this, so I had to answer it, though I didn't want to. I was never good at understanding people. The thought of Jamie and how wrong I've been about him popped into my mind, and I brushed it off to be sulked later. I wanted a distraction, and Joel was providing just that.
"I think you're too complex. It would require a lot to impress you, and I don't do anything to grab other people's attention. We're just too different for 'opposites to attract'."
This is what Joel looks like 👇🏻😍 The blue eyes 🫣
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"But I think I might like to date you." Again, I had no idea whether he was just kidding. I tried to look at his expression to get a clue, but I ended up more confused.
So I decided to play it safe. I leaned back and gave him the best laugh I could. Like what I heard just now was the most ridiculous thing I had heard in my life. It came to me almost naturally, because that's how I survived all those years in my home.
A face that was always smiling. But no one there looked close enough to see the emptiness within.
For a split second, I was scared that Joel might look deep inside and know. But he was staring somewhere with an odd smirk on his face.
I traced his line of sight but found only an empty corridor.
When I looked back at him, he was staring right at me with an unexplainable intensity in his eyes.
God, I was so bad at reading people.
"Jamie, isn't it?" The name felt different coming out of his mouth this time. Like it had an edge to it.
"What?"
"The one that made you cry?" I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to explain it to anyone. Because I couldn't even explain it to myself.
"What makes you think so?" I asked, like it hadn't made me want to drown in tears.
He just shrugged like it was insignificant, but he glanced back at the empty corridor.
"Just a piece of advice," he said, slowly looking back at me. "Not as someone interested in you but as a friend," he added hastily, like his dignity depended on it. "Just don't do anything stupid with him. Don't trust anyone so easily."
Did he-
He cut off my thoughts before they could haunt me.
"I'm not saying he's not trustworthy. He's my friend and a good one at that. But he has trouble talking to people, and it might lead to... miscommunications. You might end up getting hurt, and there will be no one to blame. I don't want it for him too."
I stared straight ahead at nothing. He was kindling something that I had chosen to bury deep down.
"And... " He hesitated, and I dreaded his next words. "He has a... history with girls."
My heart constricted in my chest.
It wasn't just Jessica then.
But for some reason, I didn't hate him anymore. I still wanted to see him. His smile. The warmth of his touch. His sweaty torso peeking from his workout clothes. His grumbling voice sending shivers down my spine. I still wanted to... kiss him until there was just me and him and nobody else. That was when I realised.
Maybe I didn't even love him. Maybe I was just attracted to him. Physically.
I heard Joel get up, but my eyes still stared straight ahead. He bent in front of me, demanding my attention. I looked at him. At the blue eyes that sparkled like waves of the ocean at the dawn of the day. But I felt like the rock at the bottom of the ocean floor. The beauty unreachable and undeserving. Especially after the thoughts I had been having just now. After what I had just decided to do.
"If you ever change your mind and decide to date me, I'll be there. But don't try to use me as a rebound because..." He trailed away, losing focus, deep in an unexpected thought. He shook his head and continued, "I'll get going then."
With that, he turned and left. I should've been sad about what he said. I should've been shocked at his finally-confirmed confession. But all I felt was a new sense of clarity.
I liked his body. Not him. And just HIS body. Not anyone else's. That's what I'll be getting. Not heartaches.
<----------------->
With every chapter, my excitement grows.
What do you think about Joel? Is he handsome? Do you think he's sincere?
Is Jamie really not that good person Lilly knows, Or is Joel lying?
And was Lilly right to think that she was just attracted to Jamie?
