DreAms

26/12/2023

So I am home this dream is about my college days winter vacation, when I was in the kitchen making snacks for me , I just suddenly had a daydream I guess?

But that thing just made me feel guilty all over like wtf! Um....it's not a new thought to me but all of a sudden? Out of nowhere? Hm...seems fishy but can't do anything about it right?

So that dream was about a crush of mine well, (nsh human crush) um... I still don't know if he is my crush or not but I do have a thing or two for him .

Nothing much happened over here just that after our studies almost about 10 years from now on, almost when I did be in my late 20's he came to me and asked me directly if I could marry him .

I was thinking what I could have replied to him in actual , because what I know is that person doesn't do anything without a proper reason, he is a man with lot of inside stories that he doesn't tell anyone.

So considering all that I definitely didn't say no to him directly and told him to go and convince my parents, if he can, then we get married or else it's a no way home, I don't know what he thought and gave it a try, like I know in reality my parents would never say yes to him i guess, like they see caste and all that but after this scene I was just looking at the scene where I told him , ' I know I am a wife material but let me tell you a marriage is only a single way path there's no turning back so please be careful to what you actually want '.

This dream just ended up with a question 'do you want to marry me out of revenge on someone? Or being heartbroken due to someone? '

Cause if it's due to a person then maybe it is not a right choice to marry right? Marriage is not an answer if he wants a revenge or heartbroken , I mean Indian marriages are all about arranged marriage and all that but if he is actually doing it due to another girl , then it's against my morals too.

Marriage is something really big to me...I can't just flaunt it off , I know I won't be getting a boyfriend or husband of my choice so better off with a good friend but of course with no way back.

Maybe it would work if he has no feeling or anything for another girl before marriage but after that? If he does fall for another one...what can I do? I can only leave him right? Being sad and all that...I don't want to be that person,where I people try to take pity on me or anything close to that .

I have imagined myself in lots of scenarios, what would happen if I fall in love? What would happen if I get married ? My love life? My job...Almost everything like these?

Maybe because of all these I am just too afraid of the future now.