Mindless

Eighteen

~Callie~

"What time are you leaving?" I climbed back onto the sofa, handing the bowl of popcorn to Cole as he spread himself out across the seats. He extended his legs out from the corner, taking up the far side of the 'L' shaped sofa that took over the huge living room, one arm stretched across the back cushions as he pushes some of the snacks into his mouth.

 I'd spent almost 3 weeks living with Cole now and I don't think I'd ever felt more at home in a space than I did here. Though the thought of being here alone for the next 6 nights was a little nerve wracking, Cole had promised that his dad and cousin were never far away and this place was as secure without him here as it was with him. I wasn't showing him how anxious I was about it though. I know Cole and I know if he had even the slightest inkling that I wasn't 100% sure that I'd be fine with him gone, he wouldn't go and no one could make him. 

I'd spent the better part of 4 months trying to work Cole out and he was as much a mystery to me now as he was last month when we started our arrangement. I'd held up a few ends of my side of the bargain, heading to dinner with his family a few times since I moved in. They're great in general. Bea is the funniest 15 year old I think I've ever met. And the way she teases Cole has me cracking up constantly. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Nick or his fiancée and Cole's dad is - bizarre. The man tends to just sit at the top of the table, watching. He eats in silence, asks me a few questions and nods but then goes back to watching us all. Rowan makes some remarks that have him and Cole bickering and he'll call out to stop them but not much else. 

"Bus is coming at 5." I sit at the end of the sofa on my knees, watching him. Cole is such a presence. I can feel him when he's around now. When he pulls up at the front of the store or bar it's like I can feel that he's there and this huge weight lifts off me. Knowing he's in the room next door on a night is probably the only thing helping me sleep through the night without any nightmares and I'm dreading what happens when he's not here. "What you doing Cal?" 

"Hm?" 

"You're just sat there staring at me." He bends his arm, patting his chest and I crawl across the sofa, cuddling up under his arm that immediately comes down around me. Lines are being blurred between us recently and maybe it's just me overthinking things, which I wouldn't be surprised at. As much as Cole hasn't kissed me since, there's other things he does that makes things feel in this no-mans land where no one knows what is going on. His hand on my thigh when he's driving, our 1am cooking lessons that end in a food fight and dancing around a filthy kitchen in the light from above the oven. Movie nights like this where I'm curled up on his chest with his hands in my hair, massaging my scalp until I pass out and wake up in my bed as he's kissing my forehead. Thousands of tiny moments just like this one that have collided into the 18 days we've shared this apartment. "I'll be back by the time you finish at the bar on Sunday morning. I'll come pick you up." Cole's heart thuds under my ear and I sink into him deeper. 

"How when I'll have the car?" 

"I'll get Rowan or Theo to drop me off or something." I nod, fighting the tiredness that comes from being this close to him. "Close your eyes Cal." 

"No." 

"Why not?" 

"Because if I close my eyes I'll fall asleep and you'll be gone when I wake up." He stops moving his fingers in my hair for a few seconds. "Cole?" 

"Mhm?" 

"Do you believe in free will?" Cole moved under me, making me lift my head so he could set the popcorn bowl on the floor and move onto his side before pulling me over to him, covering us both with a blanket and wrapping his legs between mine. I settled my head into the crook of his elbow, barely flinching as Cole pushed his hand under his hoodie I was wearing just so he could trace shapes on my skin. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Do you think we have the ability to decide on our own future through the choices we make, or do you believe that it's all already laid out for us and our decisions are already made?" 

"Can't it be both?" His dark eyes still found mine in the dimly lit room, the butterflies in my stomach needing sedating immediately. "I think our decisions have real life effect son not only our lives but the lives of those around us, but I also think that some things are set in stone. Like my mum. If she'd have left my aunties house 10 minutes later and missed the drunk driver, something else was going to take her from me that night and it's not something anyone could have stopped. I think there's big things like deaths and which school you chose, what degree you take. Those are written in the stars if you want to phrase it that way but everything else outside of them is down to you. What do you think?" Cole tugged me closer. 

"I think there's a path for each decision you make. Right down to what cereal you eat for breakfast, what route you take to work. You're decision to have toast this morning means you have fiber in your system so you don't get a sore stomach tomorrow and have to call out of work, which means you're not home when your house gets broken into." 

"But you said you only think about the present." 

"I do. I make the decisions that are right for me in that moment. Guess that's why everyone calls me trouble." 

"I don't think your trouble." 

"You don't?" Cole shakes his head. 

"I think you don't trust yourself to make decisions for your own future because you're worried that if you fail you're going to be stuck and have to go home which isn't the better option either. You can't fail at retail or bar work. You sit on the baseline, work your ass off and do what needs to be done but avoid any responsibility. I don't think that makes you trouble. I think it makes you a lot more scared than you're willing to let anyone know, just like you're scared to show anyone that side of you. The side that's always nervous and having to force herself to be confident because it's what people expect from you. But I'm going to be honest Cal," Cole wraps himself tighter around me, pulling me into his chest and pressing his lips to my forehead. "I don't expect anything from you. You don't have to keep up the act around me."

I lay in his arms, listening to his heart, feeling his slow and steady breathes under me and I know he's rolled some of his sleepy oils stuff on before we sat down. I can smell it on him and it's so damn hard to keep my eyes open when he's pressing such soft kisses into my hairline. He's so warm and I feel so safe in his arms I don't even dare to think of a world where this doesn't exist. 

"Cole?" 

"Hm?" 

"Try not to worry about me whilst you're away." 

"Not possible Cal." Another kiss. 

"Why not?" 

"Worrying about you is something I do mindlessly. Now, go to sleep before I have to get you something stronger than lavender oil." 

"I knew it." 

"Shh. Sleep now, cocky attitude later."