The Immune

18. Escalation

Will

I woke to the sound of Ash whimpering. Her tortured breaths were going to escalate in to full blown screams. I jumped from my bed, expecting the worst. In the darkly lit room I stumbled across the space, seeing only the darkened form on her bed. The moonlight shone in from the open window, a cool breeze drifting in.

We were all alone.

I calmly rested my hands against her uncovered arm, gently applying pressure in hopes to draw her slowly back from her dream. Her whimpering stopped, as she jerked awake. I could feel her panic, and her arm tensed beneath me as she jerked her arm away from me.

"Ash, are you okay?" I asked slowly

It took her a few moments to reply, and I watched her rub her face, and pull her legs up beneath her.

She let out a heavy, shaking sigh

"Yeah, it was just a nightmare"

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked hesitantly, not wanting to intrude

"No" she said sharply. I lifted my hand from her arm, she just needed space.

"Wait," she said, sitting up more, "could you sit with me, just til I feel a bit better" she asked, her voice taking on a hesitant tone.
I answered by sitting on the bed,

She shifted closer til she was lying next to me.

"Lay down, I may be awake for a while."

I reclined on the bed, the cramped mattress making us huddle close. I shifted til I found a comfortable position, resting on my back and looking up at the ceiling. Ash lay next to me, her body pressed completely up against my side, her head resting against my shoulder.

I had returned from the kitchens after cleaning up dinner to find Ash sound asleep. Not wanting to disturb her I changed quietly, and unpacked before bed. My watch told me it was a little after midnight.

Silence descended, and Ashs' breathing began to settle, until she sounded asleep.

"I think about running away all the time. Even now." she whispered, her quiet voice rang through the still of the room.

"I'm torn between a terrible guilt, from possibly having the power to help, and doing nothing to help. Then I have waves of overwhelming lethargy where I feel positively lost, I feel without hope, without any goal, because I know my life isn't mine, and I owe people. And then, "she whispered, her voice cracking, "then I feel the terror, the fear of death when I haven't even experienced life. I want to be free so badly." her voice broke.

I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her closer. She rolled over to her side, till she faced me. Her eyes glistened in the dark as she spoke of things, things that had been buried for so long. Things that she may have only thought of before, but never spoke of.

My chest hurt with a deep sense of helplessness. I didn't know what to say, or even if there was anything to say.

"I'm torn between my selfishness and like basic human self-preservation, and then I have this overwhelming desire to help because it is the right thing to do. Its nights like these, where i lie awake after another night terror, and I hate myself for not being just a bit greedier. I sit here and contemplate forgetting about my brothers and sister, about moving on, then I think about possibly saving all these people. I know there is a good reason as to why I'm handing myself in, it's just sometimes, just sometimes, it leaves me shaking and breathless, the panic stopping my heart, and the terror absolutely overwhelming me. If I didn't want to help so much, I wouldn't feel so guilty, I wouldn't care and I could be happy."